Sometimes I am not funny

Echo, Echo, Echo...

Every once in a while the shit in my head piles up thick and I need to dump it somewhere. I usually try to make it funny as it easier to deal with on a laughable level,  but there are those inevitable moments like right now; where I cannot find the humor in anything. 

Another shit night at work...

 
I haven't written a blog in almost a year as I have a life-sucking, back breaking, knee quaking, soul less night shift job doing menial labor and getting alarmingly underpaid for the abuse. 

There is no such thing as too many bubbles...

I can't tell you how many times I have come home so physically beat up that I just lay in a scalding hot tub full of Epsom salts and sob. 

It's truly the perfect job for me; I have three herniated discs and two severely arthritic knees, so spending hours on end lifting heavy objects and being on my knees is ultimate for my current condition. My doctor is. So. Proud.  

Like Captain Picard; I am a master of this technique.

But seriously, let's get back to the non-humor here for a minute. One of my co-workers has been giving me grief lately because my hours haven't been as cut back as his and he is crying that it's unfair. 
Normally, I would smile and nod (my standard response to most situations/conversations with the insane), but this isn't the first time he has brought it up, and I was weakened by my lack of sleep and played into the insanity. 

Me: "We all got extra hours last week, if you answered your phone you could have worked too." 

*Gegg: "Well I had that kidney infection so, I couldn't work". 

 *actual name has been changed to protect the not so innocent.

This guy always has an excuse, and always mouths off about how he isn't going to answer his phone if they call, cause he doesn't want to work, yet he constantly bitches that his hours have been cut. Not to mention the fact that he works slower than the speed of sloth.

I. Bust. My. Ass. at this job. It's quite possibly the worst job I have ever had. But I go above and beyond; why? I. Don't. Know. 

I do know that when I work a shift on zero sleep and have other things piled up deep inside my crazy head, that I can't tolerate getting crap from someone that is LAZY.

The saddest part about all of this is; that I am looking forward to having double knee replacement surgery so that I don't have to work there anymore. Who the fuck in their right mind looks forward to surgery? 
I should have a lobotomy while I'm anesthetized.


Splendid then....

P.S. I have missed you all terribly and will try and make this blog a regular thing again. xoxoxo

It's raining, it's Wednesday, it's my birthday

I had no idea they were available in a box!

Today I am officially closer to 45 than I ever have been. Honestly, I didn't think this day would ever come. I can still reverse the numbers and become nine years younger; and I could definitely pass for nine years younger thanks to my good genes, (I should also thank my good jeans and my mom and dad). 

Do these jeans make me look lame?

How will I be spending this glorious rainy Wednesday, you ask? Dinner? Family? Cake? NOPE! I will spend it just like any other day. Laying about in my underwear watching bad TV while surfing the inter webs, listening to the neighbors down the street scream at each other, and dreading the fact that I have to work all night (and the next six nights). 

Chocolate Opera Cake

This is in fact, the first birthday that I have not been at Dodge Street Bar and Grill, since the age of 24. Damn! I. AM. OLD. I won't be able to celebrate this, my 43rd year on this rock, until next Thursday evening. Until then I will be thinking about this cake obsessing and drooling about eating this cake ->
for the next eight nights. It's. That. Good.



I will miss seeing my friends and my family today and will be thinking about all of you CAKE!


Splendid then...
 

The Nazis are at it again...

It's always pleasant to be disturbed by a loud banging noise coming from your back door at 11am. I work the night shift and thankfully I was off last night or this would have woken me up and I would be even more pissed off than I already am. 

Okay, they weren't wearing a mask, but it felt the same

I opened my back door to see a Sheriff and two men fucking with the door knob breaking into my back hallway. When I asked what they wanted the Sheriff told me to open the door. So I walked back into my apartment, as I didn't want my cat to get out, and looked for my keys. Mr. Impatient Sheriff, started barking at me to open the door, and I started yelling at him that I was looking for my keys and to hold on. He then spoke to me in a very condescending tone, like I'm a fucking five year old, and told me not to yell. This immediately set me off into defensive mode, thanks JACK ASS. I tell them, that they aren't supposed to be here as we just paid the gas company $280 and we have a payment agreement. To which they replied, "that may be so, but we have a warrant to shut you off and that's what we are going to do." 


That's what they did. So had to have the hub call, as I am not listed on the account and after talking to 5 different people, we are getting turned on again today. This all could have been avoided had they lived up to their end of the agreement. Honestly, I don't have enough things in my life to be upset and stressed out about, I needed to start my day with more bullshit.

Lots and lots of money...

I work way too hard for shit like this to happen, but because I owned a bar and made zero money, I fell behind with everything. Just because I'm working hard doesn't mean that I am making money. I am barely making enough to scrape by. Everything is going up, food, gas, utilities. It's a daily battle to survive and for what? The American Dream?? That no longer exists in this day and age. I took a job, that I am way overqualified for, just so I could make any money at all. Now that I am looking for work that I am qualified for, there is nothing there for me. Anything that I find is part-time, and pays what I make now or less. 




Did I mention I have been playing the lottery?





Splendid then...

 

I don't know why I let it get to me

I haven't been updating as much as I would like to. Working night shift has stolen my brain, and any ounce of giving a shit I may have once had. Although I am pretty certain, that I was well on my way to not giving a shit before I started this job.

I will fill you in briefly as to the happenings at the good old food factory. When I was hired back in September, store management was reasonable, professional, and didn't make up numbers on their computer that make the night crew progressively worse and worse as time flies on past.

They gave us hours and didn't tell us how much we sucked, so we were pretty content and motivated to do a good job.

I got along very well with my co-workers and my boss and was happy to go to work.

New management arrived on the scene around the holidays and for a while they let us be. Then, they started messing with our schedules and cutting our hours. Our night crew chief complained and tried his best to get us more hours. 

Smiley McFuckface is very smart

Fast forward to about two months ago; we started getting scheduled to come in at midnight on Sunday (saves them an hour of time and a half pay) and leave at eight am, so now we are putting up the biggest load of the week and the last hour, we have to deal with customers (we are on night shift for a reason, we hate people). 

Soon after, they started the MANDATORY MONDAY MORNING FUCK SHOW, aka a meeting scheduled at 7:30 am, thus losing a half an hour of productivity so that they can tell us that we suck. When we ask questions, we don't get answers and are treated like children.

The past month we have been getting up the full loads and getting little to no thanks or acknowledgement, in fact; we keep getting told that our numbers are getting worse. 

This past week, we had a guy on vacation and a guy out sick. The guy on vacation works in frozen, so we had to send one of our guys to do frozen, which left us with three people on several nights. Not enough to get the loads up.

SMFF doesn't like questions. He's

 

 taking his ball home and telling mom!

So, today the head honcho (aka Smiley McFuckface, or simply SMFF), starts in on us right away, no "good morning" or anything civil. When we ask questions about how he is coming up with these numbers, he gets aggravated, doesn't answer, and yells that it's his meeting and he's not to be interrupted. Someone asked another question and he snapped and yelled that the guy was interrupting and being disrespectful and then got up and declared the meeting to be over and stormed out of the room. Five seconds later, he sent one of his minions in to call our crew chief into his office, to surely rip him a new one, for questioning his stupidity, err... ah authority.

All I could say, was I have not seen such childish and unprofessional behavior at such a high level of management. This guy has no clue how to deal with people. He only knows his imaginary numbers made up by his magical computer. I have had many jobs in my life, and I have run my own business. The more meetings we have, the more this guy comes off as a spoiled little boy, that is a complete moron.
 

Yup, Fatty McDoucheface, in the flesh!

He and his main minion (aka Fatty McDoucheface), seem to be on some sort of power trip. They don't have a clue as to why we don't seem motivated....

It frightens me, to the core, that this world is being taken over by the greedy, the ignorant and the lazy. Oh and lest we forget the douchey.

I have been actively looking for another job, since the very first meeting. I'm an adult, I don't need to be treated poorly for little money and back breaking work. I can only hope that these douche bags fall flat on their face... It's too bad, really because I love my crew chief and everyone that I work with...

Splendid then...

I haven't blogged since last year!

Dearest friends, countrymen, faithful readers;

Warning: this blog contains no fun pictures or humor! Just an update!

I haven't blogged in so long, so much has changed since we last met.

I have been working graveyard shift since September at a giant corporate grocery store. I wanted to take a job that I wouldn't have to think very much and get a workout. I was happy with it for a while. I like my boss and my co-workers very much, it's the idiots in charge that have turned me sour. They reward laziness, stupidity and greed and I don't fall into any of those categories. I work my ass off for peanuts and my body is falling apart at an increased rate.

Our reward for doing a "better" job, has been to have our hours cut. (Remember, you are never rewarded for hard work). They brought back a guy that leaves sick, calls out and barely works (rewarding laziness & greed) and have cut back all of the part timers hours.

I hope to be able to write more and tell you fun tales from the supermarket. 

I am presently looking for a job where I will use my brain again, because, as you know, "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

I currently do not have the internet at home (it's like I'm living in the ate eees), that's mostly why I haven't blogged in so long; that and the fact that I am always in a zombie like, vacant state of being. Working nights and lifting things up and putting them down, does a number on my 42 year old self...

I am no longer in the restaurant business, which is a combination of sadness and relief, (mostly relief). We didn't get any offers on the business itself, so we lost A LOT of money and we are in the process of selling the liquor license, which takes a long time. If we are lucky we might see a tiny bit of money after everything we owe is paid off.

I'm just trying to get through winter, and life...

I hope to be fully back to the blog by spring.


Splendid then...

Things that make you go....WTF?

These are some of the keywords that people use to find my blog... with empty head in the lead followed closely by stubborn, shit ton, fowl mood, anorexic people, monkey pissing in mouth (um, okay...), pig penis & monkey pissing in your mouth

Have you ever seen a pig penis?   The last few entries are, um... giving me great ideas for future blogs! I won't scar you with the pictures I found for the monkey!   Splendid then....

It's hard to say goodbye...

He's trying really hard to get them bricks inside!

I have been meaning to blog for a while now; October has been very busy for me and I've been so tired that I feel as if I have bricks in my head.

Oops, I think I dropped something

Working graveyard shift has been a huge adjustment. Most of the time I wander around in a state of complete nothingness. I have all these notes in my phone for future blogs to entertain you all. I should have some more time this winter, (*shudders), to write all about the them.


Today, I am sharing something more personal.


The bar that I have put the last nine years of my life into, is going to close shortly after Halloween. I want to thank everyone that has supported us over the years. It's never been an easy gig, we had no expectation that it would be. I have a lot of good memories, for the most part it was a lot of fun. 

This place has been a part of my life for almost twenty years now. I have made so many amazing friendships. I've lost some amazing friends as well... and will always remember them. 

I'm not so great at ending things. I tend to hang on too long. I know this ending is necessary; many of you will never understand how much of ourselves we put into this. We have thought about this for a while and as much as it pained us to think about closing, it was worse to think about continuing on the way we have been.


Part of me is relieved that I won't be so stressed out anymore. A bigger part of me is in mourning. I know everyone says that every ending is a new beginning and beginnings are definitely more my thing. The possibilities are endless.


Someday I will look back on this time in a fond way. For now I'm struggling to keep it together...



Splendid then...



Tool always helps to put things in prospective...
http://youtu.be/uCEeAn6_QJo I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus sideshow of FREAKS 

Is this Jupiter? Cause I feel stupider...

Me, after another successful shift!

I probably shouldn't be writing a blog right now, as I barely sleep these days; but I feel like sharing what's been happening with my crazy ass. 

I applied for a job at Stop 'n Shop in August and I am proud to tell you all I am now working the graveyard shift breaking down pallets, loading u-boats, stocking shelves and busting 
my ass. 

I have more bruises than a Lynn crack whore! 

It's physical, exhausting and totally stress-free and that's what I want! Nothing like getting paid for an eight 
hour workout!  

My first week I felt like the walking dead and wasn't able to accomplish anything that involved the use of my brain.

These looks like a great place to rest for a bit!

This week won't be as punishing as I'm not working every other day. I worked last night and I am working Friday night. I'm short a shift as I am getting yet another cortisone shot injected into my spine! 

Dr. LaMonaco is EVIL!

 
I know, I know; you are all incredibly jealous of my lavish lifestyle! I don't know if you would be able handle the extravagance that comes with such an opulent way of living!


So next time you are out grocery shopping, please take a moment to think of the poor slobs that stock the shelves full of wonderful foods and beverages for you to consume. 


And if you see me on the street or out and about around town, feel free to stop me and give me 
a hug.


Splendid then...

I LOATHE the Fascistbook Team!

So, Fascistbook blocked my blog from ever being posted again. This happened 

a couple of weeks ago and I have submitted many requests for an answer as to 

why this has happened. 

It's hard to say if one of my friends reported it as offensive or if it's another

annoying Fascistbook glitch. If it was a friend; THE HELL!? Clearly you don't 

understand me at all and you should delete me! 

My instincts tell me that it's Fascistbook censoring my ass!

So after a week of sending help requests and getting no response, 

I have received the following letter:

Hi,
 
Thank you for submitting this bug report and taking time to help us 

improve the site. Unfortunately, we are unable to respond to every bug 

report individually, but we are reading them.
 
Screen shots often help our team diagnose problems that users are seeing. 

If you did not send a screen shot with your report, please follow the 

directions listed here:
 
http://www.facebook.com/help.php?page=971
 
Once you have saved the screen shot, attach it in a response to this email. 

If your issue is unfamiliar to our team, we may contact you for more details. 

If we have identified and are troubleshooting your issue, 

we will not need to contact you for more details. 
 
For more information about issues currently affecting the site, 

please visit the Facebook Known Issues Page at  

http://www.facebook.com/KnownIssues. 

We appreciate your patience and feedback as we work to improve your Facebook 

experience.
 
Thanks,
The Facebook Team

The "Team" hard at work; ready to reply!

I don't believe that there are any actual "humans" on the Facebook Team; 

nor do I believe that there is an actual Fascistbook Team.  If per chance they 

are real then they are definitely a lively group of Hitler loving, good time 

having facsists! Oh Zuckerberg what a sense of humor you must have! 

Censorship & Creepy Ads about things you write - The Fascistbook way!

I can only hope that more of you will join up with me over at Google+ so we can 

finally leave the ever-changing hell that I now call Fascistbook. 

Splendid then... 

P.S. If you want an invite for Google+ message me at: nipsyrussell@yahoo.com

What I did on my summer vay cay shun!

Sadly I did not have a vay cay shun, nor was I expecting to really. I just thought it would be a to use that as a title; sort of a trip back in time to those great old elementary school days. 

I haven't had a vacation since 2004 and I don't think that 4 days getting wrecked at a friends new living area counts qualifies as vacation material. (What am I a robot? Who the hell says friends new living area??) I. do.

So my last legitimate vacation was in October of 2002 and I don't have a whole lot to say about that other than it was on Nantucket and I love that island.

How I wish I was here...

I wish Optimus Prime controlled my power

So I will just tell you all about what I have been doing this gloriously short and not nearly hot enough summer.


The one day that the thermometer reached 102 is the day the transformer on my street caught on fire and blew up. It happened around 6:30 in the evening and they worked on and off until 1am when they called it a day and went home to their air-conditioned homes with their fans and t.v.. 

I never liked Donald Duck; this explains a lot!

Granted I was at work and didn't get home until 2am. I do like to unwind and zone out to the t.v. after work. No bother, I had candles and a little battery powered radio. I was lulled to sleep by the soothing voices on NPR. Oh those Nazis at the Grid; you know how much I love them! We didn't get power turned back on until 10:30am, so about 14hrs on the hottest day of the year. Needless to say, the little that I had in my fridge went bad and everything in my freezer melted... 
 
Good times! At least my rude ass neighbors sought shelter elsewhere that night.

This is how it's been for months; my window is right above this heaping pile of shit

Which brings me to what I have been putting up with this summer at home, courtesy of the rude, slobby, douche bag neighbors upstairs. Polite notes and talking to them are futile!

The kicker is they weren't taking any of this to the street on trash night - an opportunity to be had every week - they just let it fester week after fucking week. PIGS!!

Mmmmm diapers!

Nice job! I love flies!

THE FACT THAT I HAD TO SAY ANY THING AT ALL ABOUT <THIS> 




IS MIND BOGGLING!

Jealous of my life yet? Just a little bit? 

So my landlord lives in NY and could give a fuck about what happens here. As long as he gets his money, he can't be bothered. I had repeatedly told him about this UNSANITARY CONDITION he repeatedly ignored me until I sent the pictures and low & behold the next day the trash was all picked up. Problem. Not. Solved. Despite the many garbage barrels they could easily put their stinky trash in; they continue to put it on the ground and let the raccoons and skunks have at it. Also, my hallway smells like poop and vomit - it's quite delightful disturbing.


My summer has really been epically fun! I have done a few nice things, like my walks in the United Nations of Lynn and I did have a few midnight/full moon ocean swimming adventures. I have a feeling I won't be having another one as it's not likely to be that hot ever again this year. 


Despite all my daily stresses and insanities I am keeping it together pretty well and am fairly happy as things in my life are always changing and improving - even if I sometimes forget to notice.


Splendid then...

Distractions

I see an apple, what's the big deal?

Today I am in what you would all call "denial".  It's far more pleasant then what I call "reality", which most of you still get to escape in some way and I am in it 24/7. So I need a little break and I am going to distract myself with pleasant thoughts and fantasies.

My feelings for FB haven't changed

The fascists over at Spacebook banned my blog completely after my post last week. I am now considered abusive which both amuses me and pisses me off greatly. I have tried to rectify the situation, but it seems pretty futile to me. How many times can I fill out the same form and get zero response? I'm in for three times, I might do it once more today, so to answer my own question, it's four or maybe three, if I distract myself successfully! You should all look for me over on Google+, where my blog is not banned.



I could go on ranting but that isn't very funny and isn't that what FB is for anyway? So I won't get into the a**holes at Mass Health today and I will instead talk about how ridiculous Lynn Shore Drive is at any given time.


I walk there at least once a week with a friend. I will now only refer to it as The United Nations, (thanks Lynne) and if you have ever been there then you totally get that. 

I will explain: It's one of the most culturally diverse places; you've got Russians, Vietnamese/Cambodian, Indian, Hispanic, Black, White Trash. 

And then you've also got Mounted Police, Dogs, Bikes, Skates, Runners, Walkers, Skateboarders, Children Screaming Children, Prostitutes, Homeless, NA/AA people, future NA/AA people, poop and things that look like poop. I'm sure I am missing a category or two, and an ethnicity.

DSKE KEEWWING!

You don't want this water touching you

So we walk from the Swampscott side to Lynn, until the smell becomes unbearable and we turn around and go back toward a slightly less smelly existence. 
 
Apparently the smell is from some algae that they can't get rid of; but I think it's a combo of that and the always bacteria ridden waters. You always see kids, dogs and overweight people  obliviously swimming their silly non-English reading hearts out. I always think to myself "I hope they don't have any cuts or open wounds, or a weakened immune system", and then I laugh out loud.



My favorite people on Lynn Shore Drive are the Corpsey kids; they are usually the bored over-privileged youth from Swampscott that are eerily pale and seemingly have no feelings other than gloomy. 

Her parents are rich, yet she is increasingly miserable & bored

We have also been critiquing the runners, and haven't seen a Gazelle on the shore yet. So far, we have seen the Gay Handed Runner & Robot Runner and I love them both equally! I promise I will start taking pictures.


My friend and I are pretty certain that everyone there believes that we are a Lesbian couple, so we fit right in. 


I'm off for a walk, sadly just around town and not to The United Nations. 


Splendid then...

Anxiety

I am an idiot having fun about to hyperventilate into a paper bag

Things have been super craptastic for awhile and I; have of course been stressed out of what's left of my mind, (not much left up there).  When I get extremely stressed out; I mentally check out. Sometimes writing helps me feel better and sometimes I am completely incapable of writing or thinking or functioning. I do apologize for my lack of blog lately. I have been gathering fun things to write about, but not feeling fun enough to share with you all.

This is pretty accurate

Today I am having a  
MASSIVE ANXIETY ATTACK and I am trying to trick my brain into being calm by writing these words. I drank extra coffee today; by extra I mean 4 shots of espresso after 4pm. I have cut my caffeine intake to a cup around noon and no shots - today I had a brilliant idea brain lapse and now I feel like curling up into the fetal position and throwing up.

 



 

I doubt I would be in the fetal position crying if I could do this. 
Oh Google, your image search never ceases to amuse me

I went for a walk, and now my left arm & hand are numb and I'm still very nauseous, nervous & dizzy. This is going to be a seriously fun night. What do people do in situations like this? What do you take to calm yourself down... I'm doing a lot of deep breathing and that's really just making me more lightheaded than calm. 


Last ditch effort is going to be some food as I haven't had any in hours...

I am almost this insane...

 
So yeah, that's how I spent Thursday night. Food did help, but only slightly. I did spend most of the weekend like the monkey in the fetal position. All this stress is taking it's toll on me, so if you hear or see me laughing it's not because I'm happy; it's from sheer insanity. This may be the week that I drive-thru the tavern in the square...

 
I will share all my other insanely funny stories soon... I just need to get over this hurdle and then I can be amused with my ridiculous life.


Splendid then...

My body is rejecting me

My cat would NEVER allow this!!

I'm not sure that I should be writing at all today as I am in one foul mood, (not to be confused with a fowl mood; I'm pretty sick of eating dead bird, but I continue to do so night after night).

I haven't blogged since my IBS diagnosis; if you missed it click here I know how I'm going to die

reason being is that I have been miserable, stressed out, and I came down with the  




DREADED SUMMER FLU.

Uh. That's not how I was infected!

I had aches, pains, fever and a horrible dry, hacking, cough. The coughing fits were what finally drove me to make an appointment with my doctor. 

I. Coughed. Up. Blood. 

I don't know what this guy is doing but I don't think he's coughing!

For the first time in my life, (I was a smoker for 27 years, never a drop of blood did I hack up), at least that I was fully aware of.


Of course, I was completely cured by Friday things took a turn for the worse right at the start of the long holiday weekend. So I had to hold out til Tuesday; or until I coughed up more blood or my fever went higher - whichever came first really. 

Tuesday came first and I did not have pneumonia or lung cancer, (although they really didn't test for that, I will have to talk to him about that), I had a bronchial infection. 

I shudder to think what she did to get the tampon to come out of her nose

I have been on antibiotics for the last four days and last night more blood made an appearance; this time it was coming from my nose! I'm no stranger to the bloody nose, but still I always feel like everyone is thinking "she must be doing a lot of cocaine"

 

Now we know what was under that bandanna!

Every time I get a bloody nose, (it's not often, I SWEAR!), my thought process ends up in the same place i did cocaine it must be a brain hemorrhage! I'm not a hypochondriac, but I do panic when I bleed my own blood!

 

Between the IBS, the bronchitis, and bleeding my own blood from stupid places my stress level is reaching epic heights. I'm almost ready to make someone else bleed.

Splendid then...