I have a plan...it might involve poop

Since I last left you, (Apparently I ate everything this winter),
I had discovered that none of my jeans fit and my favorite jeans that I hadn't washed in a while many weeks, finally took a trip in the spin-go-round, (why can't I just say washing machine?), and they fit perfectly were extremely uncomfortable to SQUEEZE my newly GIGANTIC self into. 

Um, Google gave me this for run on sentence?

Wow, that was one LONG ASS sentence!  


So, since that tragic day, I have revised my diet plan stopped eating fistfuls of cheetos, pies, snicker bars, kit-kats (mmm...so good), meatloaf with bacon, wrapped in bacon, bacon, (that's gonna hurt), chips, cookies, popcorn, pop tarts, brownies & cake.  Whew, I think that covers the NO list!  What I have been eating this week is rice, chickpeas, fresh vegetables & fruit, fresh vegetable juice; oh, and the occasional bowl of cereal or oatmeal. So, I'm getting A LOT of fiber. I was eating a ton of vegetables and healthy fiber filled cereals while I was eating all the garbage so I don't know what I was thinking yesterday when I ate a Fiber One bar.  I didn't understand what this tasty treat was all about, until right about the time I arrived at my best friends house to get my hair done.

I wish it was a flower

My belly started distending immediately upon my arrival, which made my already tight jeans extremely tight and painful. We were on a time limit so I couldn't use her bathroom; plus I would be way too embarrassed, but clearly not embarrassed enough to share this with all of you;  I'm not sane, in case you forgot or haven't seen my in a while.  I could feel my stomach growing and between the stabbing pains from fiber and the jeans becoming tighter and tighter, and the back spasms from my crappy bad back, I was feeling awesome suicidal.


Six hours later, I looked absolutely fabulous! I felt like I was going to have a massive explosion and the button on my jeans was about to pop! Let's just say it was good feeling to go home and bond with my bathroom.

This is fairly accurate

So, I learned a few lessons yesterday: 


1) I don't need any addition fiber in my diet EVER!
2) I look great in red! 


I like that my hair now reflects my fiery spirit and rage filled heart!


Splendid then...



OK, here's what it looks like...


 

Bacon, laxatives & #1 dads!

Sunday was full of bad ideas and drunks…

Bacon.

Always a great idea, right?

I always say there aren’t enough foods with bacon in them.  Or, bacon makes everything better!  I mostly stand by those statements.

So… Super Sunday I asked the hub to make a meatloaf with bacon inside and then wrapped with bacon.  Awesome!!

It was ridiculous awesome and it quickly become painful.  Now I am sitting here several days later, (Thursday), drinking laxative tea…. It was that or the Drano I purchased last night for the backed up bathroom sink.  I think the Drano would have tasted better. Just one small sip, how bad could it be?

So yeah, I’m typing this waiting for some sort of explosion to occur;

OUCH!

and thinking about how tasty brownies would be with some bacon in the mix. 

Mmmmm....bacon. 

Um, what the eff google?

*drool 

Lesson unlearned!

Damn you bacon, you win again!

And now to the drunks...

Over the years, we have come to call Sundays, Psycho Sunday, at the bar I run, as the craziest people show up and try to get served a drink.  Psycho Sunday never fails to make me say, "what the fuck?"  

We aren't exactly in one of the nicer neighborhoods in Salem, we are much closer to the barrio and the homeless shelter; in fact, they can see our neon's from across the plaza, beckoning them to come closer.... so who can blame them for trying, really...

The homeless guy that came in and tried to get a drink, was nothing out of the ordinary, so I won't bore you with the details...

And then this guy walked in:

Actual guy much fatter, much drunker and #1 DAD, not greatest damn it; #1!

Wow!  I always wanted to meet the World’s #1 Dad!!  What an honor!

 

This guy couldn’t even form a sentence let alone the words Bacardi & Coke. Needless to say we asked him to leave and then he asked for a coke. Then his crazed buddy came in wearing all orange and said he was there to give him a ride and could he have a drink.  Um.... NO!!  Then there was a slew of insults from the guy in orange and incoherent mumbling from #1 Dad until my friend Liz yelled at them convinced them to be on there merry way back to their trailer somewhere in Hell!

Mother nature is calling me.

Splendid then...