It's Hitlers birthday and Nazional Grid is celebrating....

I'm a bit ticked off today. By "a bit" I mean that I might spontaneously com bust with pure RAGE!

You don't want to piss me off!

I was heading into the restaurant a bit early, as I had some things to take care of before we opened. Upon arrival I was told by the print shop guy next door that the Nazis, (this is how i will be referring to National Grid throughout this blog), had been here with the police and a locksmith earlier in the day.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Then I'm informed that they couldn't get in. So i put my key in the lock and am now covered in graphite and the key won't turn. 

This is when the rage starts to filter in.

Greedy Nazis

We just paid a shit ton of money to the Nazis at the end of March and made a bunch of payment agreements to ensure that we would not be on the shut-off list. Of course, we can't get inside to gather any of this information. So we call and get put on hold and transferred about 253 times and can't get an answer as to why this was done and whom the fuck is going to send someone out and fix our lock.

In the meantime, I'm sticking my arm through the mail slot on the front door and trying to grab the stick that's lodged in the push bar, so that I can open the door by pushing on the bar. My wrist is going to be very sore and bruised tomorrow. 

He beat it by eating anorexic people!

My rage is just about hitting the explosive stage. This fat fuck of a local waste of life woman in her "hover round" is riding by at this moment and thinks she's a God damn comedienne and she starts yelling "Stop! No breaking & entering"! At which point, I turn and give her the nastiest look and tell her to shut the fuck up in unison with the husband. She muttered a bunch of swears and rolled away.


Rage is almost explosive.


Then the hub starts yelling at me while simultaneously yelling at the Nazis on the phone, telling me to yank the stick out of the door, not understanding that I can't touch it with anything more than one finger and I'm in some serious pain wedged inside of this mail slot. This is where I lose it and start screaming a slew of obscenities, loud enough for half of the damned city to hear me. 
I caught some onlookers from the lot across the street and I screamed a whole bunch of swears at them. Hey, I like to include everyone when I snap.

Vee ist here to turn off your gas! Ya vul!

 

Who knew that one day the Nazis would be turning off the gas!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now I'm full on crying, 'cause for some reason when I become fully enraged, it always ends up wet. Fanfuckingtastic! This is exactly how I wanted to start my day!


By this time our bartender arrives and she has long skinny arms, so she gives it a go and moves the stick a bit, but nothing. Then a regular shows up and he gets it to move even more, but still nothing. So we call a guy that we refer to as Hitler, that helps us out with the cleaning, and he came by with pry-bar and we finally got the damned door open!

I immediately find the Nazi bill and see that we have until April 28th to pay. Hmmm, that's eight days from now according to every calendar in the land. So, we call yet again and have now been waiting for over an hour to receive a call from Hitler himself "The Supervisor". Ten more minutes and we are calling back.


I had planned on blogging about my physical therapy and walking adventures, damned Nazis, always ruining everything!

I'm going to go walk this off and get some retail therapy at the same time.


Happy birthday Hitler you Fucking Douche!




Splendid then...

I'm having a bit off a blockage...No, no, not that kind!

Everyday I stare at my computer screen and try to come up with something fabulous to tell you all about. Problem is, nothing much has been happening in my life lately. I'm fine with that as my stress level needs a break now and then.

Another successful day at the restaurant!

I'm sure this is just a calm moment before the tides turn again, but so far we are managing to stay afloat.

My life of excitement and partying came to a much needed end three years ago. Now I like to do things like grocery shop. late night drug store shopping, playing scrabble (on computer and in real life), and I have added walking to the list my physical therapist is making me walk an hour everyday.

Every word is a winner!

It's sort of a theme happening here...

See, I told you so!

 My favorite grocery store The cheapest grocery store is Market Basket - Their motto is: Market Basket, where you get mowah fowah yowah dollah! I feel accomplished after a trip to the Basket.


When I shop here I need to mentally prepare or else I will end up in the fetal position crying. 

Another successful trip to Market Basket!

The parking lot alone, is a battlefield. It doesn't matter what day or what time of day you go to this store; as it's ALWAYS busy. I used to wear my i pod when shopping here until I went late on a Sunday and as I was blissfully shopping, I was disrupted by an employee informing me that they were past closing time. The only time it's peaceful at Market Basket is when they are closed!

Yoda ~ Shopper of bargains is he...

I would advise one to go to the bathroom before shopping here, (in addition to mentally preparing), as the odor near the bathrooms smells like catfood, vomit, raw meat & SHAME! The clearance stuff is right next to the bathrooms and I've almost added to the smell of vomit on more than one occasion. On one of my more recent trips here, I discovered that they are making their own brand of potato chips and I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I saw them. 


CHIPS FOR DIPS

Finally! A chip for the common idiot! Such a bargain!

 
I'm certain that stupid people everywhere are enjoying these preservative-free, crispy, delights and have no idea that Market Basket is insulting them. I wonder if I'm the only person that has noticed this treasure!


The secret is out. Market basket thinks we are all idiots! They may be right!





Splendid then...

Yay for honest people!

Photo of my hungry blog

I've been neglecting my blog responsibilities lately. This is why I don't have children or a dog. If I had to feed and water this blog, it would certainly have died a month ago.

 

I gained so much my scale is frightened!

I recently had a physical and my doctor asked me yet again, how much I drink and smoke! I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that every time I have an appointment with him, he is going to ask me these questions. At least this time he was excited that I quit smoking, and he complimented me on my red hair. He also didn't get on me too much about how much weight I have gained since I quit smoking.


I have also been going to Physical Therapy for my bad back.  As you know from my earlier blog, I bought a gopher...,  , Which, by the way, I realized the night that I purchased my gopher that I need a gopher for my gopher! I dropped the damn thing!  This weeks homework, in addition to not bending over, (which is incredibly difficult; you don't realize how much you do it 'til you're told you can't), I was told to practice standing and sitting properly, (yes, I was doing it all wrong), and walking an hour everyday. I may have to walk at the mall or something as this winter just won't leave! Get the message already Old Man, it's Springtime according to my calendar! Stupid New England winter!

Typical July weather here in New England!

Time for an intervention!

 I started the walking thing today and I walked to work, which took 10 minutes tops. 50 more minutes to go...I did a few things at work and decided finish up those lingering 50 minutes and test out this training program app that I have on my crack berry. I promptly retardedly clipped my phone onto my front left jeans pocket (I never use the clip), and set off on my walk around town. 

Fucking Salem!

I must have crossed the streets about four times and was heading up a slight incline to walk around the Salem Commons, (where hippies play frisbee, yuppies walk dogs, and Wiccans have strange rituals), and I went to look and see how much progress I had made when low and behold my phone was no longer clipped to my jeans pocket!


I calmly frantically checked all of my pockets while I slowly ripped my headphones off my head and back tracked cautiously hysterically my entire route praying cursing out loud the entire way. I made it back to the bar and called my phone fully expecting it to go to voice mail. A man answered! Finally a bit of luck! I told him where I was and he drove there in less than two minutes!


He said he saved it from being run over! I could tell it had taken a small hit and was grateful for his honesty and thankful that my phone still worked perfectly. 


Sorry to anyone that's paying attention to my blogs, as I was supposed to write about the joys of shopping at Market Basket. My good fortune stupidity has pushed it back until next time. I promise it will be entertaining!


Splendid then...

I bought a gopher...

I'm only halfway through Club Dead

I took a week off from my life and the blog world. Nothing much happened last week, other than I was in a foul mood and overly tired. You don't need to hear about that crap. I mostly laid around and read True Blood books. I am an avid watcher of the show and now I'm a rabid reader of the novels. 

I like to claim that I'm "I never learned how to read" as I grew up with those Reading is Fundamental commercials and it always struck me kind of funny. Reading does give me a headache as I totally need glasses; it's on my to do list of ailing body parts that I need to try and have fixed. Oh the joys of being in your forties.

This week we started on my back. I had my first Physical Therapy session since 2003. I have disc problems, L4/5 are bulging and cause me intense pain. Sometimes I am unable to get dressed without screaming in agony. So much fun for everyone! So the therapist was nice enough and we did a bunch of little tests and then he "manipulated" me and took all my money, and my back felt surprisingly better. Although as I am writing this 4 hours later, I am back to having significant pain. But that's OK, because. I. Bought. A. GOPHER! 

Carl, I want you to kill all the gophers on the course.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they'll lock me up and throw away the key.

 

Look, it's Billy Mays approved!

I jokingly mentioned to the therapist that I had been eying the gopher at the Walgreen's and he suggested that I buy the thing. He told me not to bend over at all the next few weeks and to get dressed sitting or laying down. Way to make me feel young doc!


So I spent $9.99 and immediately starting testing out the thing at the bar. It has suction cups on the grabber part and they don't quite "suction" to anything. If you lift something heavy, like say a can of beans, or a pint glass, it feels like it's going to break apart or drop said item. I was excited that Billy Mays approved it, but we all know that Billy loved him some cocaine, so these products are as sketchy as he was.

It's tough to be 42

I guess it's a good investment as I wasn't quite ready for this:








Lord knows if I keep bending over to pick stuff up, or simply trying to put on my shoes.  I will be laying on the ground crying that I can't get up!



Next up I will tell you a story about Market Basket and some fabulous items I have found there. Until then.



Splendid then...

My immune system has gone missing; maybe it's with my mind...

I was stricken with the plague, as you know from my last tale; My cough drops tell me what to do, I have been sick and it became worse! My flu turned into a horrible stomach flu, and I willed most of it to come out of my ass.  

This looks about right!

Of course the first two rounds were a wonderful combo where I had to sit on the toilet and puke in a bucket, (and all over myself), simultaneously. I hate puking. I'm not a big fan of liquid poop either, but given a choice, the lower option is far less traumatic.  It was hell on earth I tell you, and hell is much colder and smellier than I had imagined it to be.

It took several more days for me to feel human again, and I am still having small bouts of nausea with certain foods and smells. 

I'm the one on the right

So speed up to Saturday... I was supposed to work at the bar that night, but the hub and I were having quite an ugly exchange of words and I decided I was far too pissed off to help him out that evening.

I called my good friend and cried for a bit and she asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. I'm horrible with decision making to begin with, but worse so when I'm upset. I hadn't had a good solid meal since the flu and was seriously craving some rare roast beef for the last couple of days. I initially said no, and then I said "well I probably should leave the house, it has been a long time. She and her boyfriend picked me up and we were off to Texas Roadhouse.

Mind you, I have never been to Texas Roadhouse so I had no idea what to expect other than lots of meat! I knew Swayze wouldn't be there nor would Jeff Healy, so my expectations were low.

It was PACKED! 45 minute wait. The staff all looked to be about 15 years old and they all had employee shirts on that said "I love my job" on the back. I was thinking about using that on my bars shirts, as a cruel joke. I don't think many in the restaurant industry can say straight faced that they love their job. 


We ate some peanuts an entire barrel full of peanuts, while waiting for a table.

Me, in a heavenly state

As soon as we were seated I made the dining faux pas of eating as much bread as humanly possible. I could hear Marge Simpsons voice in my head saying "Homey don't fill up on bread" but I couldn't stop! I wish they had barrels full of bread instead of peanuts!


Fast forward to being completely satisfied and over stuffed with bread and potato while driving through Danvers Square.

Looking out my passenger window I notice that the Kentucky Fried Chicken sign is completely lit up and it now says Kentucky Fried Chi. 

My chi is southern deep fried... funny I always assumed it was dark chocolate.

Splendid then...

My cough drops tell me what to do...

I haven't felt like writing in a while. It's not due to laziness. I have been sick since Wednesday. I have been asleep most of the time, so not a lot of options to write when your eyes are closed. Anyway, yesterday I still felt horrible and was certain that I had strep throat, so I called a good friend, (good friends or family are the only ones that will help out in these instances), and asked if she would mind taking me to the ER after she got out of work.

What a way to spend a Saturday night! I am so exciting and on the cutting edge!

So we went to Beverly Hospital, as they have all my information. I wouldn't go to Salem unless I were unconscious and even then I would find a way to get out of there swiftly. I haven't given up on this life yet, so I chose to live and be treated in Beverly. 


Wow, they have really changed the waiting room! I remember when it looked very similar to a bus station; and now, it's nicer than my living room. I mean, they could use some comfy couches and a recliner or two, but damn, great job!


So I get in right away, or so I think (they now treat you in phases, so you can't leave), and I talk to the male nurse and tell him my throat is really sore and feels swollen and my sinuses are going to explode. He looks at my throat with the little flashlight and says;

"Oh yeah, your uvula is huge!" "No wonder you're having a hard time swallowing"

* blink 

Mine's bigger!

Then he swabbed my giant uvula and I was sent back to the waiting room for eternity.


This is where I noticed that my cough drops are telling me what to do. I had ingested an entire bag this week, (I often eat these instead of food, delicious and nutritious),  and didn't pay attention to the wrappers, but when you're in the ER waiting room, you read everything. 


I looked at my friend and said;


"My cough drops are telling me what to do." 


She was all "what?"


"Look, it's telling me to keep my chin up and I've got it in me, and to high-five myself", which I did and looked and felt ridiculous in doing so.

The fuck! "A pep talk in every drop" 

Seriously! 

When the hell did Halls get all positive and in my face! My throats sore and maybe I'm hungry, don't tell me what to do!


I was finally called into another room to see the doctor and get my results. My doctor was Dr. Katz and he wasn't a shaky cartoon. (Disappointed) 
He was nice and told me I did not have strep, it's viral and he gave me stuff to make my giant uvula less giant. He also gave me an antibiotic as it was looking like I would end up with a sinus infection.

So, yeah I'm going to "go elicit a few wows today" because "tough is my middle name" and it's "nothing I can't handle"


Fuck you cough drops, I'm going to watch tv, as it isn't going to watch itself.


Splendid then...

I have a plan...it might involve poop

Since I last left you, (Apparently I ate everything this winter),
I had discovered that none of my jeans fit and my favorite jeans that I hadn't washed in a while many weeks, finally took a trip in the spin-go-round, (why can't I just say washing machine?), and they fit perfectly were extremely uncomfortable to SQUEEZE my newly GIGANTIC self into. 

Um, Google gave me this for run on sentence?

Wow, that was one LONG ASS sentence!  


So, since that tragic day, I have revised my diet plan stopped eating fistfuls of cheetos, pies, snicker bars, kit-kats (mmm...so good), meatloaf with bacon, wrapped in bacon, bacon, (that's gonna hurt), chips, cookies, popcorn, pop tarts, brownies & cake.  Whew, I think that covers the NO list!  What I have been eating this week is rice, chickpeas, fresh vegetables & fruit, fresh vegetable juice; oh, and the occasional bowl of cereal or oatmeal. So, I'm getting A LOT of fiber. I was eating a ton of vegetables and healthy fiber filled cereals while I was eating all the garbage so I don't know what I was thinking yesterday when I ate a Fiber One bar.  I didn't understand what this tasty treat was all about, until right about the time I arrived at my best friends house to get my hair done.

I wish it was a flower

My belly started distending immediately upon my arrival, which made my already tight jeans extremely tight and painful. We were on a time limit so I couldn't use her bathroom; plus I would be way too embarrassed, but clearly not embarrassed enough to share this with all of you;  I'm not sane, in case you forgot or haven't seen my in a while.  I could feel my stomach growing and between the stabbing pains from fiber and the jeans becoming tighter and tighter, and the back spasms from my crappy bad back, I was feeling awesome suicidal.


Six hours later, I looked absolutely fabulous! I felt like I was going to have a massive explosion and the button on my jeans was about to pop! Let's just say it was good feeling to go home and bond with my bathroom.

This is fairly accurate

So, I learned a few lessons yesterday: 


1) I don't need any addition fiber in my diet EVER!
2) I look great in red! 


I like that my hair now reflects my fiery spirit and rage filled heart!


Splendid then...



OK, here's what it looks like...


 

Apparently I ate everything this winter...

I'm there somewhere without a tent...

Today started out badly.  I had some crazy dream where I was hiking/camping this mountain with some guy I don't know in the pouring rain with thunder/lightning all over the place, at night.  We didn't have a tent.  At one point we had left the mountain and had dinner with some other people that I don't know.  Then I was randomly at my restaurant where everyone I ran into was complaining about the roof leaking and the cold temperature.  Randomly back into my hike with a stranger and I woke up right before I was going drink a beer.  Apparently I was moaning and making noises the whole time.  I woke up exhausted.

At this point I needed coffee and I ate four blueberry waffles (didn't need). Then it was time to get dressed and battle another day at the restaurant.  The one pair of jeans I have been wearing, need to be washed; so I couldn't wear them.  I was going to wear a ratty pair that were big on me last winter and low and behold;  They. Didn't. Fit.  Three pairs later and I'm in tears.

"I'm going to look like a giant marshmallow when it finally gets warm outside."

* sobbing

I've seen my future and it looks almost exactly like this:

My future is very FAT

I quit smoking just so I could become a hideous blob of FAT!   

I said to myself, "Gee, now that I don't smoke anymore, I could really use about 30 extra pounds all in my belly." 

I quit smoking and started eating for two.

So, no more pies, cookies, cakes, or anything fried. I've seen my future, hell I've already been there and back. 

I'm scared!

Splendid then...

Hmm...

I must admit, in my old age I got something wrong, (What? How could that be? I'm always right), and it was a post on here, so I just went back and fixed it like it never happened!  

My post entitled I am going to Hell...   I erroneously named the band that played in Warwick R.I. as White Lion, when it was Great White. Still not Whitesnake!

My office is practically identical to this!

I have been procrastinating making a Dr.'s appointment and it's come to a head. I can no longer ignore the problem at hand, in fact I'm certain it's getting worse, (funny how that works).





Here is an example of why I think that: Driving into work today with the hub, (I need to come up with a better reference name for him, suggestions? - that might be a bad idea, never mind), and we are stopped at a light. 

Mind you, I'm having SEVERE back spasms today, and no, that's not why I am going to the Dr., I am going to mention it while I'm there; where was I?

Clearly I have not!

Ah yes, stopped at light behind a dirty black Honda.

Me: I want to lick the trunk of that car

Hub: * blink * blink umm, what?

Me: It's so dirty I just want to lick it (that's what she said). How much will you pay me to lick that car?

Hub: umm, nothing have you lost your mind?

Then I thought about having to unroll the window to open the door, (that's how we roll in the rape mobile), and get out of the truck before the light changes and without falling to street in agony from a huge spasm. 

I'm thinking $10 minimum for all the effort. I'm poor and times are tough!

So, I must have some horrible brain infecting infection to be outright wanting to lick a dirty car. Procrastination will be the death of me.

Splendid then...

Showers can be magical...

I've been sick all weekend and lazing around in bed watching bad TV and playing scrabble online. All the while hoping for a speedy recovery in anticipation of one of the greatest holidays ever - Presidents Day!

Jaws III in 3D I must be sick!

Nipsy forgot his 3D glasses!

Last night I hung my Presidents Day stocking by the space heater with care in hopes that President Lincoln would soon be here. When I woke up, there were no presents!  What gives Abe?  I was expecting a new car or a mattress set from Sleepys and I get nothing; Worst Presidents Day EVER!

Lincoln knows if you've been naughty or nice!

So I'm texting with a friend, (Screw you spell check, texting is an action word!), and she's telling me that she's feeling unmotivated and what not, (preaching to the choir, if you look up unmotivated or lazy, I'm certain there is a picture of me and my cat watching 3D movies without the glasses - See! Lazy!), where was I?  

Unmotivated. Yes, so she ended up showering and it not only made her feel better and motivated, but she was also clean!  Also she said something about how being dirty and smelly makes you feel 10 times worse, and how she almost felt like she had purpose now; hysterical!

Me: Wow, really?  That sounds magical, I'm going to try it!

See, when I don't feel well and I'm lazing about, I often forget the possibility that bathing might help to enhance my mood, and reduce the stench that...Whoa, is that me?  I need some magic!

I just googled lazy and unmotivated and this was the first picture - Wow...

Not a lot of content here today people, but hey, it's a holiday and you should all be thankful that I bathed.

Splendid then...

I am going to Hell...

The end of days... The apocalypse... Total destruction. I can tell you it's not going to happen anytime soon, because I'm not that lucky. I was put on this rock to suffer and I am certain that I still have years more of suffering ahead. So don't worry kids, you're all safe. We might still have a zombie attack or two, so stay on your toes and be alert!

I wish she would get lost, she freaks me out!

When I'm done suffering I will surely be going straight to hell for things such as; laughing about grandmothers getting lost for days whilst picking blueberries;


and my worst offense, (that I can recall), stating that the people that died at the Warwick fire, (nightclub in Rhode Island that burned down in 2003), deserved it because they were there to see Great White

Great White - The poor mans Whitesnake

*cricket

Except when I said it, it was really very funny... Years later I sound like a total douche! I am a really nice person, I swear; I just happen to have a very dark and very sick sense of humor.  I won't change or apologize for it, it has helped me through many dark & difficult times and I am going to need it to get through the years of suffering that I have ahead of me.


So, I am sick today (the suffering continues) and I still have no sense of humor. If you find it, please send me a message and I will reward you greatly.


Splendid then...

Meltation has occurred...or not

It ties the room together

So, humor has taken a vacation this week, (how come I wasn't invited?), and left me all alone with stress and a headache. Nausea pops in here and there just to tie it all together; kind of like the rug in the Big Lebowski.


I am presently sitting by the ocean at a place called The Willows; sitting in my truck, reflecting (hysterically crying). We are having a warm spell here and the dirty ice mountains are starting to melt. I wish my stress level would melt away as well...


Everyone has spring fever, yet I remain my cynical self. I have lived in New England long enough to know that this is a TRAP. It has been such a brutal winter, there is now way we are getting off this easily. (That's what she said)

The restaurant business has swallowed my soul...

Evil Dead - one of my favorite movies

Splendid then...

Squirrels make me happy...

I'm still incredibly distracted; meaning I am not able to concentrate on writing or work for that matter...

Ooh look! A squirrel!!

The level of stress that I am under has really taken it's toll on my brain; I often feel as if it's not there at all and that sometimes worries me.  At least part of me gets to take a vacation!

D'oh!

On the plus side, I have been sleeping and feeling less depressed.  I decided to go back on my trazodone without my doctors knowledge.  I didn't feel like playing guinea pig all winter to new drugs that may or may not work.  I will make an appointment in the spring.  I mean, the last time I saw my primary care doctor it was as if he had just met me, and I have been going to him quite regularly for well over a year.  I was frustrated that he asked me my entire fucking history again, (shouldn't he have all this on his magical laptop?), and when I told him I finally quit smoking, instead of congratulating me or giving me a high-five, he told me I need to lose some weight! 

WTF Doc!

He was on my ass forever about quitting smoking and I finally did - been smoke free for seven months now and all he could say was lose weight!  So yeah, I haven't been in a huge hurry to go see him this winter.  When I felt myself slipping down into that abyss, I recognized it and took action to prevent the downward spiral that I am terrified of heading into again.

So, this is all you get from me today.  I don't have anything humorous to give you as I'm just not feeling it this week.

Splendid then...