Sunday, January 12, 2014

Sometimes going backward is progress

Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and hold onto the hope that things will work out the way they are meant to be, (not how you think it should be). I am not so great at the whole deep breath thing, (or remembering to swallow whatever beverage I am drinking, but that's another story for another time). Despite my shallow breathing and my huge desire to control ALL, things have started to slowly progress are crawling along at a snails pace and I have been able to grasp on to that sweet sliver of hope.I am clinging onto my last sliver of sanity.

The entrance to my bedroom
I am adjusting to the life of a cellar dweller have learned to breathe pure mold and not die and am taking lots of allergy meds solely responsible for keeping Allegra D in business. When I first moved here, I was waking up every morning to a spinning room, (very similar to going to bed drunk with the spins, but replace going to bed with waking up and drunk with sober). I admit I was a bit concerned that perhaps the mold may try and kill me and I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to be able to live. Allegra-D had a long talk with the mold and assured me that it would protect me from any attacks. If I run out of Allegra-D then all bets are off. I do have random bouts of dizzy, I'm sure they are unrelated...

Cheer up Charlie, you are all dead...

I spent the fall applying for jobs, going on far too few interviews and even fewer second interviews, doing surveys, re-watching the entire 6 seasons of Lost, trying not to panic, and finally landing a FULL TIME JOB! Those are incredibly rare these days!

Oddly enough, as soon as I stopped calling in my weekly unenjoyment claims, they suddenly, (3 months later), reached a decision on my appeal hearing; and... I am still unsure if I am getting any money. The wording in this letter was vague and confusing. I had two other intelligent people read it and we all agreed that it seems like I am getting some...I wish there was someone I could call to confirm this.. 

So, for now, I am working, saving money, and waiting for spring and warmer weather so show me my next move.


Love and miss you Paul

Splendid then...

Friday, September 20, 2013

Stress reduction

August arrives in New England...Brrr!

Let me start off by asking, "what the hell happened to July?!". Every year, I suffer through the seemingly endless New England winters, and when summer finally arrives; I blink, and it's gone. Yeah, yeah, I love fall, who doesn't love fall? I LOVE SUMMER MORE! Fall brings on that hint of cold that's going to crush your soul for nine months. Summer is full of hope, and sunshine and more importantly warmth!

So, not much has changed since August. I am still waiting on my last appeal decision. I am waiting to hear about a job that I interviewed for twice. I am waiting to be evicted! Well, I am not going to wait too long on that one, but I'm not in a huge hurry either. I was officially evicted from my apartment of nineteen years, I only owe for August and September; isn't my landlord delightful a cocksucker? Let's not get into that right now. I didn't want to stay here any longer, out before twenty...that's my motto! Since I have no money, and no job, I will be moving into my families basement to find myself regroup. Ah yes, life has turned out EXACTLY as I planned it!

Welcome to Salem. Please Stop...

As much as I loathe this tourist trap of a city, there are many things I will miss; a red light every ten yards is not one of them. Being able to walk anywhere, running into someone I know every time I go out (this is also on the things I won't miss category), the train, my favorite coffee house Front Street.

I will be back!
I moved to Salem in 1991. I tried my hardest to find a place in a surrounding town, as I didn't want to live here, it made no sense, and now that I am leaving, (I still can't believe it), I am having mixed emotions. It's not the same city that I moved to, and I'm not the same person, so many things have changed. I have served my time... the vortex shall release me.

I have been spending my free time, (all my time is free time right now), taking surveys for money and gift cards, looking for jobs, and looking up clinical trials in the area. 

I found a trial recently for a stress reduction study. Not surprisingly, I qualified! I spent the last two days going to MGH and having a series of brain MRI's. They showed me images and sometimes gave me little electric shocks on my fingers. I was waiting for the toothpicks and a little Ludwig Von to make it my own Clockwork Orange adventure, the Beethoven would have been nice...

The rest of the trial will be spent one day a week, taking a course that teaches you natural ways to deal with stress, like yoga, meditation, etc. Then we go on some five hour retreat and I follow up with more MRI's. I get to take a great course for free and I get paid $100.

In the midst of all this change, and moving and what not, I will be walking for the AFSP next Saturday (the 28th). If you want to know what that's all about, please click here:

If anything changes, like that red light, or my employment status, or my stress levels; you dear readers will be one of the first to know.

Splendid then...

Friday, August 23, 2013

August is a bitch...

I have been so patient...

Maybe the little guy is rabid...
Since April I have had NO INCOME, NO UNEMPLOYMENT, NO steady stream of MONEY. Surgery is stressful enough, add in worrying about existing and it really messes with your mind, your body, your very core. I could be far worse off right now. I am fortunate to have surrounded myself with some amazing, generous souls, without their help I would have been screwed completely. 

Recovering from double partial knee replacement has been, as one can imagine, slow and painful. I have deemed this summer to be the summer of the snail. Baby steps, slow progression. 

Slow is the new fast...
I have been battling with the good old D.U.A. and I have recently suffered through one hearing with myself and an agent and now I get to suffer through one more with Stop and Shop. I'm certainly not trying to cheat the system. I paid into this very broken mess and now that I NEED help, I have met with nothing but bureaucratic insanity and absolute frustration. 

I'm on my last leg, I have NO CHOICE but to win this appeal. I can no longer afford my apartment and have to move, with no money I have few options, and with a cat, fewer. Even if I had money, I would be moving out of here; after 19 years it's definitely time. I have looked into roommates/sharing ads on good old Craigslist, (just to see what's out there), and wow! It is more expensive than getting an apartment with someone.The only interesting deals on there apply to gay men. I have been looking for a job and sending resumes/filling out apps. Not a single bite... 

If I had a solid answer on any aspect of my life right now, I could breathe a bit easier...Will I have money and back pay? Where will I live? Will I find a decent job? Will my phone be shut off before I get any money? These questions and more, may or may not be answered anytime soon.

I haven't been sleeping well, it takes hours to get to sleep and then I wake up repeatedly until I give up and start the day again. It's like groundhog day over here, everyday is EXACTLY the same. I'm ready for change, (and I think it's all coming at once), I'm not good with it, but I'm ready. I have not struggled for nothing, I will be rewarded...

August is a bitch... It has been a struggle of a month for me for the last five years... I have come so far.

Rest in peace

  Dave "Roz"umek 8/12/08

Jocelyn Callahan 8/25/08
The coolest cat I had the pleasure to 
love Nipsy" sir licks a lot" Russell 8/25/12

Stay buried whiskey and every bad choice that came with you 8/30/08

Monday, August 5, 2013


As I come up on five years of sobriety, I have decided to share a little bit about how I came to be here and what happened those first few years.

2008 was the year I started looking at myself; I mean REALLY looking at myself and I wasn't liking what I was seeing.

I wasn't a "bad" person. I was a "lost" person. I didn't deal with my problems or my pain, I didn't want to see them so I drowned them in Irish whiskey and drugs.

It didn't occur to me until March that perhaps I had a problem. I decided to "go on the wagon" and check out one of those meetings.

I fell off the wagon about 25 days and one meeting later. I declared I was definitely NOT an alcoholic, just saying those words felt odd and embarrassing.

I drank more. After all, I must have lost some of the "tolerance" I spent years cultivating, and my birthday was coming up.

Drinking was fun! Wasn't it? I mean who doesn't want to wake up in the morning with their tongue glued dry to the roof of their mouth? Or have that pounding "whiskey/cigarette combo" headache that signifies vomit is in your future?

Right around my birthday my mother told me I looked yellow. I said "oh, it's my new make-up, wrong shade", and "I have a tan too". Ah yes, jaundice is so sexy. So is being 250lbs cause you drink as much as several Irish fishermen.

I was struggling, trying so hard to ignore all the facts that lay before me...I was going to see it soon.

A friend of mine was battling some demons during this time and I was scared and I wanted to help, but I knew it wasn't my battle. Still, I thought there must be some way I can help, or show more support.

While i pondered that one, I got news about another friend; a dear old friend. The news wasn't good. I won't go into detail, but alcohol was the cause of this horrible situation. He hung on for about a month and he was gone. I was devastated.

I still DIDN'T get it. I did what I always did and drank heavily the day we say goodbye to him.

A week later I went to an open bar wedding out of state. I packed the essentials (change of clothes, bottle of Jameson, and some coke). I wanted to make sure I had more to drink in the hotel, after I drank as much as I could at the open bar wedding, and the coke always guaranteed that I could, it was "drinking insurance".

I drunk dialed many people that night/morning...and was I ever hungover. I made it to the hotel restaurant before we hit the road and had emergency bloody marys and a plate full of bacon, otherwise the drive home would have been even worse. I called ahead to a bar at home and ordered another plate of bacon and bloody's for my arrival.

DISGUSTING. I shudder when I relive this, and I relive this period of time every year, so I never forget how sick I was. I went home and slept it off for a few and woke up to go visit my friend that I was worried about. I slept there for another hour and woke up covered in sweat and feeling lower than low.

I declared that I was done, and I wasn't doing "this" anymore...

I got a text the next morning. It shook me off my foundation. I will never forget that day and how it unfolded. A young, beautiful friend died. The details were confusing, and I am still troubled by them to this day.

Needless to say, I was off and running. Drinking heavily that whole week. The afternoon of the wake began with shots of Jameson (for strength). After the wake we drank at a Chinese joint (more Irish whiskey for me), and then I went back to my bar and drank even more. I stayed up all night drinking and doing drugs. I estimate that I drank, (probably underestimated), 2 & 1/2 liters of whiskey from 3pm - 7am...I slept, (if you can call it that), for maybe 20 minutes and had several people calling to make sure I was up and ready to go to the funeral.

I felt like the lowliest creature on earth that morning. I was surprised I didn't burst into flames when I entered the church. I was the only one wearing sunglasses through the entire service. I was mortified and disgusted and sad and confused and LOST. I went home and prayed to my friend that we just lost, and to my other friend that just passed. I WAS DONE. Help me, give me strength. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be a good influence and example for my other friend that is struggling too, that's the only way I can help.

I don't count that day as my first day of sobriety, as I had enough booze in my system to get a small country drunk. That day was the last day I had a drink. August 30, 2008 was the first day of the rest of my life...

This is not where the story ends dear reader, it's the beginning. It was not an easy time; life is not an easy game.

I am grateful to be here, writing this, remembering always, why I won't pick up again.

Splendid then...

"ESCAPE IS ESCAPE if i was out of booze anything but reality would do" - M.P.

P.S. I spent the majority of my life avoiding the feelings that accompanied death. I became more and more self destructive with each death. I don't know if it's because we lost so many friends, so quickly, when we were young. (Masco friends any opinion on that?)  I do know that death is still a big trigger for me.

R.I.P. Nipsyrussell 5/96 - 8.25.12

 Please donate to the walk I am participating in this fall. It's for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

 and no, nipsy did not kill himself...

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

 Hi everyone,

I know it's been awhile. Any of you who write, know that sometimes if you don't use it you lose it. I wrote last night for the first time in a long time. I will be tweaking it and posting on here again in August.

In the meantime, I am walking this fall for a cause that is very dear to my heart. Please take a moment and support me. Donate as much as you are able, there is no minimum amount.

Thank you!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

I'm going to the Grand Canyon...

This email showed up in my spam folder today. I normally don't pay much attention to my spam folder, but this one caught my attention.

It would appear that the spies working for Hoveround have found out about my upcoming double knee replacement surgery.

Looks like my independence will be regained at a much faster and more stylish pace than I had imagined.

As soon as my Hoveround arrives I will grab my coffee, fill my tote with snacks and head out cross country for the grandest of canyons. I will be all "Thelma and Louise" without Louise (or is it Thelma?), with what I consider a much cooler mode of transport for such a suicidal plunge.

Cross your fingers that I am one of the lucky 9 out of 10 that pays little to no cost!

My future just got a little brighter.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Sometimes I am not funny

Echo, Echo, Echo...

Every once in a while the shit in my head piles up thick and I need to dump it somewhere. I usually try to make it funny as it easier to deal with on a laughable level,  but there are those inevitable moments like right now; where I cannot find the humor in anything. 

Another shit night at work...

I haven't written a blog in almost a year as I have a life-sucking, back breaking, knee quaking, soul less night shift job doing menial labor and getting alarmingly underpaid for the abuse. 

There is no such thing as too many bubbles...

I can't tell you how many times I have come home so physically beat up that I just lay in a scalding hot tub full of Epsom salts and sob. 

It's truly the perfect job for me; I have three herniated discs and two severely arthritic knees, so spending hours on end lifting heavy objects and being on my knees is ultimate for my current condition. My doctor is. So. Proud.  

Like Captain Picard; I am a master of this technique.

But seriously, let's get back to the non-humor here for a minute. One of my co-workers has been giving me grief lately because my hours haven't been as cut back as his and he is crying that it's unfair. 
Normally, I would smile and nod (my standard response to most situations/conversations with the insane), but this isn't the first time he has brought it up, and I was weakened by my lack of sleep and played into the insanity. 

Me: "We all got extra hours last week, if you answered your phone you could have worked too." 

*Gegg: "Well I had that kidney infection so, I couldn't work". 

 *actual name has been changed to protect the not so innocent.

This guy always has an excuse, and always mouths off about how he isn't going to answer his phone if they call, cause he doesn't want to work, yet he constantly bitches that his hours have been cut. Not to mention the fact that he works slower than the speed of sloth.

I. Bust. My. Ass. at this job. It's quite possibly the worst job I have ever had. But I go above and beyond; why? I. Don't. Know. 

I do know that when I work a shift on zero sleep and have other things piled up deep inside my crazy head, that I can't tolerate getting crap from someone that is LAZY.

The saddest part about all of this is; that I am looking forward to having double knee replacement surgery so that I don't have to work there anymore. Who the fuck in their right mind looks forward to surgery? 
I should have a lobotomy while I'm anesthetized.

Splendid then....

P.S. I have missed you all terribly and will try and make this blog a regular thing again. xoxoxo

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It's raining, it's Wednesday, it's my birthday

I had no idea they were available in a box!
Today I am officially closer to 45 than I ever have been. Honestly, I didn't think this day would ever come. I can still reverse the numbers and become nine years younger; and I could definitely pass for nine years younger thanks to my good genes, (I should also thank my good jeans and my mom and dad). 

Do these jeans make me look lame?

How will I be spending this glorious rainy Wednesday, you ask? Dinner? Family? Cake? NOPE! I will spend it just like any other day. Laying about in my underwear watching bad TV while surfing the inter webs, listening to the neighbors down the street scream at each other, and dreading the fact that I have to work all night (and the next six nights). 

Chocolate Opera Cake

This is in fact, the first birthday that I have not been at Dodge Street Bar and Grill, since the age of 24. Damn! I. AM. OLD. I won't be able to celebrate this, my 43rd year on this rock, until next Thursday evening. Until then I will be thinking about this cake obsessing and drooling about eating this cake ->
for the next eight nights. It's. That. Good.

I will miss seeing my friends and my family today and will be thinking about all of you CAKE!

Splendid then...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Nazis are at it again...

It's always pleasant to be disturbed by a loud banging noise coming from your back door at 11am. I work the night shift and thankfully I was off last night or this would have woken me up and I would be even more pissed off than I already am. 

Okay, they weren't wearing a mask, but it felt the same
I opened my back door to see a Sheriff and two men fucking with the door knob breaking into my back hallway. When I asked what they wanted the Sheriff told me to open the door. So I walked back into my apartment, as I didn't want my cat to get out, and looked for my keys. Mr. Impatient Sheriff, started barking at me to open the door, and I started yelling at him that I was looking for my keys and to hold on. He then spoke to me in a very condescending tone, like I'm a fucking five year old, and told me not to yell. This immediately set me off into defensive mode, thanks JACK ASS. I tell them, that they aren't supposed to be here as we just paid the gas company $280 and we have a payment agreement. To which they replied, "that may be so, but we have a warrant to shut you off and that's what we are going to do." 

That's what they did. So had to have the hub call, as I am not listed on the account and after talking to 5 different people, we are getting turned on again today. This all could have been avoided had they lived up to their end of the agreement. Honestly, I don't have enough things in my life to be upset and stressed out about, I needed to start my day with more bullshit.

Lots and lots of money...
I work way too hard for shit like this to happen, but because I owned a bar and made zero money, I fell behind with everything. Just because I'm working hard doesn't mean that I am making money. I am barely making enough to scrape by. Everything is going up, food, gas, utilities. It's a daily battle to survive and for what? The American Dream?? That no longer exists in this day and age. I took a job, that I am way overqualified for, just so I could make any money at all. Now that I am looking for work that I am qualified for, there is nothing there for me. Anything that I find is part-time, and pays what I make now or less. 

Did I mention I have been playing the lottery?

Splendid then...


Monday, March 5, 2012

I don't know why I let it get to me

I haven't been updating as much as I would like to. Working night shift has stolen my brain, and any ounce of giving a shit I may have once had. Although I am pretty certain, that I was well on my way to not giving a shit before I started this job.

I will fill you in briefly as to the happenings at the good old food factory. When I was hired back in September, store management was reasonable, professional, and didn't make up numbers on their computer that make the night crew progressively worse and worse as time flies on past.

They gave us hours and didn't tell us how much we sucked, so we were pretty content and motivated to do a good job.

I got along very well with my co-workers and my boss and was happy to go to work.

New management arrived on the scene around the holidays and for a while they let us be. Then, they started messing with our schedules and cutting our hours. Our night crew chief complained and tried his best to get us more hours. 

Smiley McFuckface is very smart
Fast forward to about two months ago; we started getting scheduled to come in at midnight on Sunday (saves them an hour of time and a half pay) and leave at eight am, so now we are putting up the biggest load of the week and the last hour, we have to deal with customers (we are on night shift for a reason, we hate people). 

Soon after, they started the MANDATORY MONDAY MORNING FUCK SHOW, aka a meeting scheduled at 7:30 am, thus losing a half an hour of productivity so that they can tell us that we suck. When we ask questions, we don't get answers and are treated like children.

The past month we have been getting up the full loads and getting little to no thanks or acknowledgement, in fact; we keep getting told that our numbers are getting worse. 

This past week, we had a guy on vacation and a guy out sick. The guy on vacation works in frozen, so we had to send one of our guys to do frozen, which left us with three people on several nights. Not enough to get the loads up.

SMFF doesn't like questions. He's 

 taking his ball home and telling mom!
So, today the head honcho (aka Smiley McFuckface, or simply SMFF), starts in on us right away, no "good morning" or anything civil. When we ask questions about how he is coming up with these numbers, he gets aggravated, doesn't answer, and yells that it's his meeting and he's not to be interrupted. Someone asked another question and he snapped and yelled that the guy was interrupting and being disrespectful and then got up and declared the meeting to be over and stormed out of the room. Five seconds later, he sent one of his minions in to call our crew chief into his office, to surely rip him a new one, for questioning his stupidity, err... ah authority.

All I could say, was I have not seen such childish and unprofessional behavior at such a high level of management. This guy has no clue how to deal with people. He only knows his imaginary numbers made up by his magical computer. I have had many jobs in my life, and I have run my own business. The more meetings we have, the more this guy comes off as a spoiled little boy, that is a complete moron.

Yup, Fatty McDoucheface, in the flesh!

He and his main minion (aka Fatty McDoucheface), seem to be on some sort of power trip. They don't have a clue as to why we don't seem motivated....

It frightens me, to the core, that this world is being taken over by the greedy, the ignorant and the lazy. Oh and lest we forget the douchey.

I have been actively looking for another job, since the very first meeting. I'm an adult, I don't need to be treated poorly for little money and back breaking work. I can only hope that these douche bags fall flat on their face... It's too bad, really because I love my crew chief and everyone that I work with...

Splendid then...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I haven't blogged since last year!

Dearest friends, countrymen, faithful readers;

Warning: this blog contains no fun pictures or humor! Just an update!

I haven't blogged in so long, so much has changed since we last met.

I have been working graveyard shift since September at a giant corporate grocery store. I wanted to take a job that I wouldn't have to think very much and get a workout. I was happy with it for a while. I like my boss and my co-workers very much, it's the idiots in charge that have turned me sour. They reward laziness, stupidity and greed and I don't fall into any of those categories. I work my ass off for peanuts and my body is falling apart at an increased rate.

Our reward for doing a "better" job, has been to have our hours cut. (Remember, you are never rewarded for hard work). They brought back a guy that leaves sick, calls out and barely works (rewarding laziness & greed) and have cut back all of the part timers hours.

I hope to be able to write more and tell you fun tales from the supermarket. 

I am presently looking for a job where I will use my brain again, because, as you know, "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

I currently do not have the internet at home (it's like I'm living in the ate eees), that's mostly why I haven't blogged in so long; that and the fact that I am always in a zombie like, vacant state of being. Working nights and lifting things up and putting them down, does a number on my 42 year old self...

I am no longer in the restaurant business, which is a combination of sadness and relief, (mostly relief). We didn't get any offers on the business itself, so we lost A LOT of money and we are in the process of selling the liquor license, which takes a long time. If we are lucky we might see a tiny bit of money after everything we owe is paid off.

I'm just trying to get through winter, and life...

I hope to be fully back to the blog by spring.

Splendid then...

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Things that make you go....WTF?

These are some of the keywords that people use to find my blog... with empty head in the lead followed closely by stubborn, shit ton, fowl mood, anorexic people, monkey pissing in mouth (um, okay...), pig penis & monkey pissing in your mouth

Have you ever seen a pig penis?
The last few entries are, um... giving me great ideas for future blogs!

I won't scar you with the pictures I found for the monkey!
Splendid then....

Friday, October 28, 2011

It's hard to say goodbye...

He's trying really hard to get them bricks inside!

I have been meaning to blog for a while now; October has been very busy for me and I've been so tired that I feel as if I have bricks in my head.

Oops, I think I dropped something

Working graveyard shift has been a huge adjustment. Most of the time I wander around in a state of complete nothingness. I have all these notes in my phone for future blogs to entertain you all. I should have some more time this winter, (*shudders), to write all about the them.

Today, I am sharing something more personal.

The bar that I have put the last nine years of my life into, is going to close shortly after Halloween. I want to thank everyone that has supported us over the years. It's never been an easy gig, we had no expectation that it would be. I have a lot of good memories, for the most part it was a lot of fun. 

This place has been a part of my life for almost twenty years now. I have made so many amazing friendships. I've lost some amazing friends as well... and will always remember them. 

I'm not so great at ending things. I tend to hang on too long. I know this ending is necessary; many of you will never understand how much of ourselves we put into this. We have thought about this for a while and as much as it pained us to think about closing, it was worse to think about continuing on the way we have been.

Part of me is relieved that I won't be so stressed out anymore. A bigger part of me is in mourning. I know everyone says that every ending is a new beginning and beginnings are definitely more my thing. The possibilities are endless.

Someday I will look back on this time in a fond way. For now I'm struggling to keep it together...

Splendid then...

Tool always helps to put things in prospective... I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus sideshow of FREAKS