Saturday, October 29, 2011

Things that make you go....WTF?

These are some of the keywords that people use to find my blog... with empty head in the lead followed closely by stubborn, shit ton, fowl mood, anorexic people, monkey pissing in mouth (um, okay...), pig penis & monkey pissing in your mouth

Have you ever seen a pig penis?
The last few entries are, um... giving me great ideas for future blogs!

I won't scar you with the pictures I found for the monkey!
Splendid then....

Friday, October 28, 2011

It's hard to say goodbye...

He's trying really hard to get them bricks inside!

I have been meaning to blog for a while now; October has been very busy for me and I've been so tired that I feel as if I have bricks in my head.

Oops, I think I dropped something

Working graveyard shift has been a huge adjustment. Most of the time I wander around in a state of complete nothingness. I have all these notes in my phone for future blogs to entertain you all. I should have some more time this winter, (*shudders), to write all about the them.

Today, I am sharing something more personal.

The bar that I have put the last nine years of my life into, is going to close shortly after Halloween. I want to thank everyone that has supported us over the years. It's never been an easy gig, we had no expectation that it would be. I have a lot of good memories, for the most part it was a lot of fun. 

This place has been a part of my life for almost twenty years now. I have made so many amazing friendships. I've lost some amazing friends as well... and will always remember them. 

I'm not so great at ending things. I tend to hang on too long. I know this ending is necessary; many of you will never understand how much of ourselves we put into this. We have thought about this for a while and as much as it pained us to think about closing, it was worse to think about continuing on the way we have been.

Part of me is relieved that I won't be so stressed out anymore. A bigger part of me is in mourning. I know everyone says that every ending is a new beginning and beginnings are definitely more my thing. The possibilities are endless.

Someday I will look back on this time in a fond way. For now I'm struggling to keep it together...

Splendid then...

Tool always helps to put things in prospective... I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus sideshow of FREAKS 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Is this Jupiter? Cause I feel stupider...

Me, after another successful shift!
I probably shouldn't be writing a blog right now, as I barely sleep these days; but I feel like sharing what's been happening with my crazy ass. 

I applied for a job at Stop 'n Shop in August and I am proud to tell you all I am now working the graveyard shift breaking down pallets, loading u-boats, stocking shelves and busting 
my ass. 

I have more bruises than a Lynn crack whore! 

It's physical, exhausting and totally stress-free and that's what I want! Nothing like getting paid for an eight 
hour workout!  

My first week I felt like the walking dead and wasn't able to accomplish anything that involved the use of my brain.
These looks like a great place to rest for a bit!

This week won't be as punishing as I'm not working every other day. I worked last night and I am working Friday night. I'm short a shift as I am getting yet another cortisone shot injected into my spine! 

Dr. LaMonaco is EVIL!
I know, I know; you are all incredibly jealous of my lavish lifestyle! I don't know if you would be able handle the extravagance that comes with such an opulent way of living!

So next time you are out grocery shopping, please take a moment to think of the poor slobs that stock the shelves full of wonderful foods and beverages for you to consume. 

And if you see me on the street or out and about around town, feel free to stop me and give me 
a hug.

Splendid then...

Monday, August 8, 2011

I LOATHE the Fascistbook Team!

So, Fascistbook blocked my blog from ever being posted again. This happened 
a couple of weeks ago and I have submitted many requests for an answer as to 
why this has happened. 
It's hard to say if one of my friends reported it as offensive or if it's another
annoying Fascistbook glitch. If it was a friend; THE HELL!? Clearly you don't 
understand me at all and you should delete me! 
My instincts tell me that it's Fascistbook censoring my ass!
So after a week of sending help requests and getting no response, 
I have received the following letter:
Thank you for submitting this bug report and taking time to help us 
improve the site. Unfortunately, we are unable to respond to every bug 
report individually, but we are reading them.
Screen shots often help our team diagnose problems that users are seeing. 
If you did not send a screen shot with your report, please follow the 
directions listed here:
Once you have saved the screen shot, attach it in a response to this email. 
If your issue is unfamiliar to our team, we may contact you for more details. 
If we have identified and are troubleshooting your issue, 
we will not need to contact you for more details. 
For more information about issues currently affecting the site, 
please visit the Facebook Known Issues Page at
We appreciate your patience and feedback as we work to improve your Facebook 
The Facebook Team
The "Team" hard at work; ready to reply!
I don't believe that there are any actual "humans" on the Facebook Team; 
nor do I believe that there is an actual Fascistbook Team.  If per chance they 
are real then they are definitely a lively group of Hitler loving, good time 
having facsists! Oh Zuckerberg what a sense of humor you must have! 
Censorship & Creepy Ads about things you write - The Fascistbook way!
I can only hope that more of you will join up with me over at Google+ so we can 
finally leave the ever-changing hell that I now call Fascistbook. 
Splendid then... 
P.S. If you want an invite for Google+ message me at:

Saturday, August 6, 2011

What I did on my summer vay cay shun!

Sadly I did not have a vay cay shun, nor was I expecting to really. I just thought it would be a to use that as a title; sort of a trip back in time to those great old elementary school days. 

I haven't had a vacation since 2004 and I don't think that 4 days getting wrecked at a friends new living area counts qualifies as vacation material. (What am I a robot? Who the hell says friends new living area??) I. do.

So my last legitimate vacation was in October of 2002 and I don't have a whole lot to say about that other than it was on Nantucket and I love that island.

How I wish I was here...

I wish Optimus Prime controlled my power
So I will just tell you all about what I have been doing this gloriously short and not nearly hot enough summer.

The one day that the thermometer reached 102 is the day the transformer on my street caught on fire and blew up. It happened around 6:30 in the evening and they worked on and off until 1am when they called it a day and went home to their air-conditioned homes with their fans and t.v.. 

I never liked Donald Duck; this explains a lot!
Granted I was at work and didn't get home until 2am. I do like to unwind and zone out to the t.v. after work. No bother, I had candles and a little battery powered radio. I was lulled to sleep by the soothing voices on NPR. Oh those Nazis at the Grid; you know how much I love them! We didn't get power turned back on until 10:30am, so about 14hrs on the hottest day of the year. Needless to say, the little that I had in my fridge went bad and everything in my freezer melted... 
Good times! At least my rude ass neighbors sought shelter elsewhere that night.

This is how it's been for months; my window is right above this heaping pile of shit

Which brings me to what I have been putting up with this summer at home, courtesy of the rude, slobby, douche bag neighbors upstairs. Polite notes and talking to them are futile!

The kicker is they weren't taking any of this to the street on trash night - an opportunity to be had every week - they just let it fester week after fucking week. PIGS!!

Mmmmm diapers!
Nice job! I love flies!



Jealous of my life yet? Just a little bit? 

So my landlord lives in NY and could give a fuck about what happens here. As long as he gets his money, he can't be bothered. I had repeatedly told him about this UNSANITARY CONDITION he repeatedly ignored me until I sent the pictures and low & behold the next day the trash was all picked up. Problem. Not. Solved. Despite the many garbage barrels they could easily put their stinky trash in; they continue to put it on the ground and let the raccoons and skunks have at it. Also, my hallway smells like poop and vomit - it's quite delightful disturbing.

My summer has really been epically fun! I have done a few nice things, like my walks in the United Nations of Lynn and I did have a few midnight/full moon ocean swimming adventures. I have a feeling I won't be having another one as it's not likely to be that hot ever again this year. 

Despite all my daily stresses and insanities I am keeping it together pretty well and am fairly happy as things in my life are always changing and improving - even if I sometimes forget to notice.

Splendid then...

Friday, August 5, 2011


I see an apple, what's the big deal?

Today I am in what you would all call "denial".  It's far more pleasant then what I call "reality", which most of you still get to escape in some way and I am in it 24/7. So I need a little break and I am going to distract myself with pleasant thoughts and fantasies.

My feelings for FB haven't changed

The fascists over at Spacebook banned my blog completely after my post last week. I am now considered abusive which both amuses me and pisses me off greatly. I have tried to rectify the situation, but it seems pretty futile to me. How many times can I fill out the same form and get zero response? I'm in for three times, I might do it once more today, so to answer my own question, it's four or maybe three, if I distract myself successfully! You should all look for me over on Google+, where my blog is not banned.

I could go on ranting but that isn't very funny and isn't that what FB is for anyway? So I won't get into the a**holes at Mass Health today and I will instead talk about how ridiculous Lynn Shore Drive is at any given time.

I walk there at least once a week with a friend. I will now only refer to it as The United Nations, (thanks Lynne) and if you have ever been there then you totally get that. 

I will explain: It's one of the most culturally diverse places; you've got Russians, Vietnamese/Cambodian, Indian, Hispanic, Black, White Trash

And then you've also got Mounted Police, Dogs, Bikes, Skates, Runners, Walkers, Skateboarders, Children Screaming Children, Prostitutes, Homeless, NA/AA people, future NA/AA people, poop and things that look like poop. I'm sure I am missing a category or two, and an ethnicity.

You don't want this water touching you
So we walk from the Swampscott side to Lynn, until the smell becomes unbearable and we turn around and go back toward a slightly less smelly existence. 
Apparently the smell is from some algae that they can't get rid of; but I think it's a combo of that and the always bacteria ridden waters. You always see kids, dogs and overweight people  obliviously swimming their silly non-English reading hearts out. I always think to myself "I hope they don't have any cuts or open wounds, or a weakened immune system", and then I laugh out loud.

My favorite people on Lynn Shore Drive are the Corpsey kids; they are usually the bored over-privileged youth from Swampscott that are eerily pale and seemingly have no feelings other than gloomy. 

Her parents are rich, yet she is increasingly miserable & bored

We have also been critiquing the runners, and haven't seen a Gazelle on the shore yet. So far, we have seen the Gay Handed Runner & Robot Runner and I love them both equally! I promise I will start taking pictures.

My friend and I are pretty certain that everyone there believes that we are a Lesbian couple, so we fit right in. 

I'm off for a walk, sadly just around town and not to The United Nations. 

Splendid then...

Sunday, July 31, 2011


I am an idiot having fun about to hyperventilate into a paper bag

Things have been super craptastic for awhile and I; have of course been stressed out of what's left of my mind, (not much left up there).  When I get extremely stressed out; I mentally check out. Sometimes writing helps me feel better and sometimes I am completely incapable of writing or thinking or functioning. I do apologize for my lack of blog lately. I have been gathering fun things to write about, but not feeling fun enough to share with you all.

This is pretty accurate

Today I am having a  
MASSIVE ANXIETY ATTACK and I am trying to trick my brain into being calm by writing these words. I drank extra coffee today; by extra I mean 4 shots of espresso after 4pm. I have cut my caffeine intake to a cup around noon and no shots - today I had a brilliant idea brain lapse and now I feel like curling up into the fetal position and throwing up.



I doubt I would be in the fetal position crying if I could do this. 
Oh Google, your image search never ceases to amuse me
I went for a walk, and now my left arm & hand are numb and I'm still very nauseous, nervous & dizzy. This is going to be a seriously fun night. What do people do in situations like this? What do you take to calm yourself down... I'm doing a lot of deep breathing and that's really just making me more lightheaded than calm. 

Last ditch effort is going to be some food as I haven't had any in hours...

I am almost this insane...
So yeah, that's how I spent Thursday night. Food did help, but only slightly. I did spend most of the weekend like the monkey in the fetal position. All this stress is taking it's toll on me, so if you hear or see me laughing it's not because I'm happy; it's from sheer insanity. This may be the week that I drive-thru the tavern in the square...

I will share all my other insanely funny stories soon... I just need to get over this hurdle and then I can be amused with my ridiculous life.

Splendid then...

Friday, July 8, 2011

My body is rejecting me

My cat would NEVER allow this!!
I'm not sure that I should be writing at all today as I am in one foul mood, (not to be confused with a fowl mood; I'm pretty sick of eating dead bird, but I continue to do so night after night).

I haven't blogged since my IBS diagnosis; if you missed it click here I know how I'm going to die

reason being is that I have been miserable, stressed out, and I came down with the  


Uh. That's not how I was infected!

I had aches, pains, fever and a horrible dry, hacking, cough. The coughing fits were what finally drove me to make an appointment with my doctor. 

I. Coughed. Up. Blood
I don't know what this guy is doing but I don't think he's coughing!

For the first time in my life, (I was a smoker for 27 years, never a drop of blood did I hack up), at least that I was fully aware of.

Of course, I was completely cured by Friday things took a turn for the worse right at the start of the long holiday weekend. So I had to hold out til Tuesday; or until I coughed up more blood or my fever went higher - whichever came first really. 

Tuesday came first and I did not have pneumonia or lung cancer, (although they really didn't test for that, I will have to talk to him about that), I had a bronchial infection. 

I shudder to think what she did to get the tampon to come out of her nose

I have been on antibiotics for the last four days and last night more blood made an appearance; this time it was coming from my nose! I'm no stranger to the bloody nose, but still I always feel like everyone is thinking "she must be doing a lot of cocaine"


Now we know what was under that bandanna!
Every time I get a bloody nose, (it's not often, I SWEAR!), my thought process ends up in the same place i did cocaine it must be a brain hemorrhage! I'm not a hypochondriac, but I do panic when I bleed my own blood!


Between the IBS, the bronchitis, and bleeding my own blood from stupid places my stress level is reaching epic heights. I'm almost ready to make someone else bleed.

Splendid then...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I know how I'm going to die...

Since I have given up all my "stress relievers"; most recent one being cigarettes, (year on July 9), I have been handling stress with a gracefulness and ease my bowels. 

What's that you say?

I no longer have the proper "tools" to handle all the stress that is being hurled at me from many directions, just writing this is stressing me out. Once I gave up the last of my habits, (I still want to smoke BTW), I have been slowly and surely making myself sick; which is pretty funny considering I have been working so hard on improving my health and body with eating well and exercise and quitting all those damned fun bad habits, that may or may not have killed me,

We'll never know now will we?!

Ah yup

What I do know is that I'm in a giant shit storm, (literally and figuratively speaking), and all of it is about to hit that fan. No, not that one, the one to your left!

What all of this boils down to is that because I haven't a clue how to deal with my stress in a healthy fashion, I have hurt my body and now have IBS, (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), which is painful and STUPID.

Click here to find out all the fun facts re: IBS

I think it just surpassed furious, help me!

The worst part about it is I had to give up my life blood, my daily habit, one of my few reasons left to live:  


Those of you that know me well, know I'm almost suicidal over this; it's almost as bad as having to give up my chocolate, (I will jump in front of an 18 wheeler), let's not even go there, I'm scared.

This alone, stresses me out more. I don't have many pleasures in my simple life. The ones that I do have, I treasure and enjoy thoroughly. These last few days without coffee have left me as irritable as my bowel. 

I don't know how or when I will come up with a good solution for dealing with all the BS. I do know that I am incapable of meditating; I just don't have it in me to sit there in quiet and calm and "zone out". It feels like a ridiculous waste of time for me. If it works for any of you that's fantastic, I'm just not a meditater. For me meditation time equals sleep and I have to take a pill to achieve that state of unconsciousness.

Ummmm, you are an idiot


So don't be deceived my calm, cool and collected appearance, for inside I'm bubbling over with INSANITY.

Splendid then...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

This is why I haven't been writing

I'm getting "scowl" wrinkles, it's not cool.

I'm behind and I know it.  

I'm behind on everything; bills, taxes, the times, and writing... I have been making notes of things to write about, notes that say things like; bird almost flew into face, can you blow me where the pampers is, uti university 

Problem is I have been really down and have been struggling to find any humor in anything. Sad, I know. 

OK, this amuses me slightly.

People stop me and tell me I've got great form when i walk!
As you all know I've been going to physical therapy for my back issues constant source of pain. I've been walking limping along, (hmm, that's got a nice ring to it. Should have named my blog limping along instead of swimming upstream), three to four miles a day, almost every day for the last couple of months. The last couple of weeks I have been noticing that my left foot is losing all feeling when I'm on these "walks". Thank you bulging discs, this has been a fun eight years, I can only hope we can be like this forever!

This is stubborn? Are her brains about to leak out of her head?

I was so certain that when the weather finally warmed up a bit, my pain would lighten up as well. WRONG!! If you know me, then you know how much I hate to be wrong or admit to being wrong. I am stupidly stubborn that way, emphasis on stupid.

Where was I? 

Ah, yes, in pain, as usual. My therapist recommended that I get a cortisone injection, In. My. Spine.
This is fun!
Let me tell you I've had a Spinal Tap when I was a child. My parents thought I had Spinal Meningitis as I had a horrible fever after playing with a dead mole. Wait, what? Why did I play with dead animals? I was a strange kid, that grew up to be became a strange adult. We'll touch on that subject at a later date. Needles in my spine, I recall being horribly traumatized, although I'm sure my age and my high fever contributed to the trauma. So all that aside, Sign. Me. Up!

Fast forward to yesterday; and my appointment to voluntarily have a needle full of steroids placed gently jabbed in my spine, to relieve my pain. I think playing with dead animals, had a lingering damaging effect on my brain.

Nice buns!

On the plus side, i had to get up very early and I barely had any sleep. I can deal with being cut-up and stabbed better when I'm sleepy. That being said, I definitely felt the needle go into my spine and REALLY felt the injection. And guess what? I get to do all over again in two weeks! SURPRISE! 

I am still in pain, but they say it takes about four days to get into your system and I may not feel any better for a couple of weeks. HA! Of course I won't feel better for a couple of weeks, that's when the next injection is scheduled!

If this doesn't work, Plan C will be implemented and of course involve more needles! 

Plan A - Ignore problem = FAIL
Plan B - Get steroids injected into spine - the jury is out on this one
Plan C - Acupuncture
Plan D - Drive into a train!

Wish me luck everyone!

Splendid then...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How I spent my last day of being 41...

It happened. I'm inching closer and closer toward my AARP membership; I turned 42 yesterday. To make myself feel better, I've been telling everyone that I am 24, I've been weeping quietly under the covers.

Blissfully awaiting the arrival of my AARP card!

Sunday, my last day of my pseudo-youth was quite an extravagant forgettable day. I spent the first half cleaning my kitchen and bathroom and fighting with the hub because our douche of a neighbor approached him with a hammer, yes a fucking hammer; and complained that I've been turning on the hallway light at night when I come home and he's paying for the electricity. 

My neighbor was clearly traumatized by Lester Light bulb

I'm sorry...WHAT?!! How rude of me to not want to come home alone, in total darkness. The switch that I'm using to turn on the light is in fact downstairs. I am paying for the god damned electricity, on that PIG of a low watt energy saver bulb... give me a fucking break! This is the same guy, that has parked me in all winter, without once thinking he is inconveniencing me in any way at all. Yeah, I love having to knock on your door daily, and then wait 5-10 minutes for you to come out and move your truck, THANKS!

Candy has been hittin' that pipe pretty hard!
Most recently, he and his delightful trashy girlfriend Candy,  and their adorable crappy baby have moved from their apartment on the other side of the house, to the one above me. I should play the lottery. She spends from about 4am to 11pm stomping back and forth above me like she's going to come crashing through the ceiling. Where the fuck is she going? Is she smoking crack all day and pacing the halls? I'm seriously seconds away from the FINAL SNAP and I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Anyway, I got distracted by my major annoyance of a neighbor. Getting back to my exciting lackluster last day of being 41.

Where Candy scores her crack

I decided it would be a great idea to get Mexican for dinner. Yes, I wanted to end the year with a bang, or some sort of explosion! So my friend took me to a a taco joint in Lynn. 
(Lynn, Lynn, city of sin, you don't come out the way you went in! Especially if you eat a burrito with re fried beans!) 

I ordered a burrito and she ordered a quesadilla; we both ended up with burritos.

This would have been a wiser meal choice

That thing stayed with me for the rest of the night and most of my birthday. What a painful and stupid last meal. 

My friend did give me the bestest gift ever; a Panda bear ring! 

Magical Panda ring!
I love Pandas and will someday invest in a SUPER AWESOME Panda costume that I will wear randomly while out and about in the city!
RAWR!! More Bamboo Please!

To finish off such an eventful day/evening, we sat in my truck while it poured outside. Why? Good question! I had to bring my laptop outside as my T-mobile suck stick web stick, doesn't work so great indoors. Why did I need to go online when I had company at the house? We had a brilliant idea that I should join Twitter and spend the last five hours of my 41st year trying to connect to the site and picking a user name that wasn't taken. 

My first tweet: unimpressed

My second tweet at the ripe old age of 42, had taken me six hours and counting... I may very well get my AARP card before this tweet posts!

I may be getting older, but I'm quite doubtful that I'm getting wiser.

Splendid then...



Monday, May 2, 2011

It's fun to race SPAM!

There is definitely an echo!
I've been slacking on this whole "writing" thing lately. I'm sure I have plenty of things to tell you all about, but walking everyday appears to have a "dumbing" effect on my mind. Yes folks, exercise is making me stupid and empty inside!

So, instead of attempting to blather on like the idiot that I have become; I am going to give you a link to something fun.

Every Easter for the past six years, we have been racing SPAM at the restaurant. We call it The Spamwood Derby and as strange as it may sound, it is so much fun!

The idea was born late night at Denny's, (aren't all the best ideas born here?), after my friends band Joe Cocker Manifesto played at our bar. My friend Jon, dressed in drag in this band, and was still mostly in his female attire at Denny's that night; just to give you all an idea of what our group looked like, drunk and strange!

They had a song in their repertoire called Meat Fort, and had "given birth" to a meat baby on stage once. So we got to talking about their next gig, which would fall on Easter Sunday and what stupid thing could we do with meat and The Spamwood Derby was born! 

I'm putting some pictures up from last year and the year before and a link to some video footage of this years race.


Splendid then...

1st, 2nd & 3rd place from 2009

Spam bunny died!

Spam mobiles from 2009

1st, 2nd & 3rd place winners 2010

This years event flier!

Spamwood Derby!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

It's Hitlers birthday and Nazional Grid is celebrating....

I'm a bit ticked off today. By "a bit" I mean that I might spontaneously com bust with pure RAGE!

You don't want to piss me off!

I was heading into the restaurant a bit early, as I had some things to take care of before we opened. Upon arrival I was told by the print shop guy next door that the Nazis, (this is how i will be referring to National Grid throughout this blog), had been here with the police and a locksmith earlier in the day.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Then I'm informed that they couldn't get in. So i put my key in the lock and am now covered in graphite and the key won't turn. 

This is when the rage starts to filter in.

Greedy Nazis
We just paid a shit ton of money to the Nazis at the end of March and made a bunch of payment agreements to ensure that we would not be on the shut-off list. Of course, we can't get inside to gather any of this information. So we call and get put on hold and transferred about 253 times and can't get an answer as to why this was done and whom the fuck is going to send someone out and fix our lock.

In the meantime, I'm sticking my arm through the mail slot on the front door and trying to grab the stick that's lodged in the push bar, so that I can open the door by pushing on the bar. My wrist is going to be very sore and bruised tomorrow. 

He beat it by eating anorexic people!
My rage is just about hitting the explosive stage. This fat fuck of a local waste of life woman in her "hover round" is riding by at this moment and thinks she's a God damn comedienne and she starts yelling "Stop! No breaking & entering"! At which point, I turn and give her the nastiest look and tell her to shut the fuck up in unison with the husband. She muttered a bunch of swears and rolled away.

Rage is almost explosive.

Then the hub starts yelling at me while simultaneously yelling at the Nazis on the phone, telling me to yank the stick out of the door, not understanding that I can't touch it with anything more than one finger and I'm in some serious pain wedged inside of this mail slot. This is where I lose it and start screaming a slew of obscenities, loud enough for half of the damned city to hear me. 
I caught some onlookers from the lot across the street and I screamed a whole bunch of swears at them. Hey, I like to include everyone when I snap.

Vee ist here to turn off your gas! Ya vul!
 Who knew that one day the Nazis would be turning off the gas!

Now I'm full on crying, 'cause for some reason when I become fully enraged, it always ends up wet. Fanfuckingtastic! This is exactly how I wanted to start my day!

By this time our bartender arrives and she has long skinny arms, so she gives it a go and moves the stick a bit, but nothing. Then a regular shows up and he gets it to move even more, but still nothing. So we call a guy that we refer to as Hitler, that helps us out with the cleaning, and he came by with pry-bar and we finally got the damned door open!

I immediately find the Nazi bill and see that we have until April 28th to pay. Hmmm, that's eight days from now according to every calendar in the land. So, we call yet again and have now been waiting for over an hour to receive a call from Hitler himself "The Supervisor". Ten more minutes and we are calling back.

I had planned on blogging about my physical therapy and walking adventures, damned Nazis, always ruining everything!

I'm going to go walk this off and get some retail therapy at the same time.

Happy birthday Hitler you Fucking Douche!

Splendid then...