Saturday, February 26, 2011

Apparently I ate everything this winter...

I'm there somewhere without a tent...
Today started out badly.  I had some crazy dream where I was hiking/camping this mountain with some guy I don't know in the pouring rain with thunder/lightning all over the place, at night.  We didn't have a tent.  At one point we had left the mountain and had dinner with some other people that I don't know.  Then I was randomly at my restaurant where everyone I ran into was complaining about the roof leaking and the cold temperature.  Randomly back into my hike with a stranger and I woke up right before I was going drink a beer.  Apparently I was moaning and making noises the whole time.  I woke up exhausted.

At this point I needed coffee and I ate four blueberry waffles (didn't need). Then it was time to get dressed and battle another day at the restaurant.  The one pair of jeans I have been wearing, need to be washed; so I couldn't wear them.  I was going to wear a ratty pair that were big on me last winter and low and behold;  They. Didn't. Fit.  Three pairs later and I'm in tears.

"I'm going to look like a giant marshmallow when it finally gets warm outside."

* sobbing

I've seen my future and it looks almost exactly like this:
My future is very FAT

I quit smoking just so I could become a hideous blob of FAT 

I said to myself, "Gee, now that I don't smoke anymore, I could really use about 30 extra pounds all in my belly." 

I quit smoking and started eating for two.

So, no more pies, cookies, cakes, or anything fried. I've seen my future, hell I've already been there and back. 

I'm scared!

Splendid then...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I must admit, in my old age I got something wrong, (What? How could that be? I'm always right), and it was a post on here, so I just went back and fixed it like it never happened!  

My post entitled I am going to Hell...   I erroneously named the band that played in Warwick R.I. as White Lion, when it was Great White. Still not Whitesnake!

My office is practically identical to this!

I have been procrastinating making a Dr.'s appointment and it's come to a head. I can no longer ignore the problem at hand, in fact I'm certain it's getting worse, (funny how that works).

Here is an example of why I think that: Driving into work today with the hub, (I need to come up with a better reference name for him, suggestions? - that might be a bad idea, never mind), and we are stopped at a light. 

Mind you, I'm having SEVERE back spasms today, and no, that's not why I am going to the Dr., I am going to mention it while I'm there; where was I?
Clearly I have not!

Ah yes, stopped at light behind a dirty black Honda.

Me: I want to lick the trunk of that car

Hub: * blink * blink umm, what?

Me: It's so dirty I just want to lick it (that's what she said). How much will you pay me to lick that car?

Hub: umm, nothing have you lost your mind?

Then I thought about having to unroll the window to open the door, (that's how we roll in the rape mobile), and get out of the truck before the light changes and without falling to street in agony from a huge spasm. 

I'm thinking $10 minimum for all the effort. I'm poor and times are tough!

So, I must have some horrible brain infecting infection to be outright wanting to lick a dirty car. Procrastination will be the death of me.

Splendid then...

Monday, February 21, 2011

Showers can be magical...

I've been sick all weekend and lazing around in bed watching bad TV and playing scrabble online. All the while hoping for a speedy recovery in anticipation of one of the greatest holidays ever - Presidents Day!

Jaws III in 3D I must be sick!
Nipsy forgot his 3D glasses!

Last night I hung my Presidents Day stocking by the space heater with care in hopes that President Lincoln would soon be here. When I woke up, there were no presents!  What gives Abe?  I was expecting a new car or a mattress set from Sleepys and I get nothing; Worst Presidents Day EVER!
Lincoln knows if you've been naughty or nice!

So I'm texting with a friend, (Screw you spell check, texting is an action word!), and she's telling me that she's feeling unmotivated and what not, (preaching to the choir, if you look up unmotivated or lazy, I'm certain there is a picture of me and my cat watching 3D movies without the glasses - See! Lazy!), where was I?  

Unmotivated. Yes, so she ended up showering and it not only made her feel better and motivated, but she was also clean!  Also she said something about how being dirty and smelly makes you feel 10 times worse, and how she almost felt like she had purpose now; hysterical!

Me: Wow, really?  That sounds magical, I'm going to try it!

See, when I don't feel well and I'm lazing about, I often forget the possibility that bathing might help to enhance my mood, and reduce the stench that...Whoa, is that me?  I need some magic!

I just googled lazy and unmotivated and this was the first picture - Wow...

Not a lot of content here today people, but hey, it's a holiday and you should all be thankful that I bathed.

Splendid then...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

I am going to Hell...

The end of days... The apocalypse... Total destruction. I can tell you it's not going to happen anytime soon, because I'm not that lucky. I was put on this rock to suffer and I am certain that I still have years more of suffering ahead. So don't worry kids, you're all safe. We might still have a zombie attack or two, so stay on your toes and be alert!

I wish she would get lost, she freaks me out!
When I'm done suffering I will surely be going straight to hell for things such as; laughing about grandmothers getting lost for days whilst picking blueberries;

and my worst offense, (that I can recall), stating that the people that died at the Warwick fire, (nightclub in Rhode Island that burned down in 2003), deserved it because they were there to see Great White

Great White - The poor mans Whitesnake

Except when I said it, it was really very funny... Years later I sound like a total douche! I am a really nice person, I swear; I just happen to have a very dark and very sick sense of humor.  I won't change or apologize for it, it has helped me through many dark & difficult times and I am going to need it to get through the years of suffering that I have ahead of me.

So, I am sick today (the suffering continues) and I still have no sense of humor. If you find it, please send me a message and I will reward you greatly.

Splendid then...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Meltation has occurred...or not

It ties the room together
So, humor has taken a vacation this week, (how come I wasn't invited?), and left me all alone with stress and a headache. Nausea pops in here and there just to tie it all together; kind of like the rug in the Big Lebowski.

I am presently sitting by the ocean at a place called The Willows; sitting in my truck, reflecting (hysterically crying). We are having a warm spell here and the dirty ice mountains are starting to melt. I wish my stress level would melt away as well...

Everyone has spring fever, yet I remain my cynical self. I have lived in New England long enough to know that this is a TRAP. It has been such a brutal winter, there is now way we are getting off this easily. (That's what she said)

The restaurant business has swallowed my soul...

Evil Dead - one of my favorite movies

Splendid then...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Squirrels make me happy...

I'm still incredibly distracted; meaning I am not able to concentrate on writing or work for that matter...

Ooh look! A squirrel!!
The level of stress that I am under has really taken it's toll on my brain; I often feel as if it's not there at all and that sometimes worries me.  At least part of me gets to take a vacation!


On the plus side, I have been sleeping and feeling less depressed.  I decided to go back on my trazodone without my doctors knowledge.  I didn't feel like playing guinea pig all winter to new drugs that may or may not work.  I will make an appointment in the spring.  I mean, the last time I saw my primary care doctor it was as if he had just met me, and I have been going to him quite regularly for well over a year.  I was frustrated that he asked me my entire fucking history again, (shouldn't he have all this on his magical laptop?), and when I told him I finally quit smoking, instead of congratulating me or giving me a high-five, he told me I need to lose some weight! 

WTF Doc!

He was on my ass forever about quitting smoking and I finally did - been smoke free for seven months now and all he could say was lose weight!  So yeah, I haven't been in a huge hurry to go see him this winter.  When I felt myself slipping down into that abyss, I recognized it and took action to prevent the downward spiral that I am terrified of heading into again.

So, this is all you get from me today.  I don't have anything humorous to give you as I'm just not feeling it this week.

Splendid then...

Monday, February 14, 2011

It's heartbreaking...

I had planned on saving up some stories from the weekend to humor you with today and I'm sorry to say that this post will not be funny in the least...

I woke up yesterday and went on Facebook only to find out that an old friend from high school had died on Saturday.  It's weird because Saturday I was talking with a friend about his son who is serving in Afghanistan and he was relieved to have heard from him as it had been a months time.  I immediately had Mark flash into my head and I was going to say something and decided against it. We haven't seen in each other in many years, but he was one of those people that I always wondered about over the years.  I was very happy to reconnect with him on FB last year. 

He was a major in the National Guard.  He served two tours in Afghanistan.  He just finished his last tour and returned home to his family right before Christmas.  They did a very touching story about him coming home and surprising his daughter at school - it made me cry, it was very touching. 

He was about to settle back into his life when he was hospitalized for an ongoing condition at a VA hospital.  Apparently, his heart stopped and that was it... This is the heart breaker for me.  He served and protected our country, to come home and die so suddenly...

My heart goes out to his family, to his wife and young daughter.  I can only imagine what they are going through right now.  I'm all torn up over this and I feel like I don't have any business feeling this way, because we hadn't been in touch over the years.  

I want to thank my friend Mark for what he did for us, for our country.  I'm certain that I didn't thank him enough when I had to the chance...

Thanks for letting me share.

Not so splendid then...

Mark in 1986 - how I always picture him in my mind

Major Mark Fitzgerald

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I told myself that I would write every day...

I can't concentrate and nail down any thoughts this weekend. The stress level is HIGH and so is the anxiety. I promise I will have something solid for Monday. It might not be my usual humor, but I will try my best to write about one of the many insane happenings in my life.

Until then, feel free to check out some of the blogs that I thoroughly enjoy reading. 


Splendid then...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Bacon, laxatives & #1 dads!

Sunday was full of bad ideas and drunks…


Always a great idea, right?

I always say there aren’t enough foods with bacon in them.  Or, bacon makes everything better!  I mostly stand by those statements.

So… Super Sunday I asked the hub to make a meatloaf with bacon inside and then wrapped with bacon.  Awesome!!

It was ridiculous awesome and it quickly become painful.  Now I am sitting here several days later, (Thursday), drinking laxative tea…. It was that or the Drano I purchased last night for the backed up bathroom sink.  I think the Drano would have tasted better. Just one small sip, how bad could it be?

So yeah, I’m typing this waiting for some sort of explosion to occur;

and thinking about how tasty brownies would be with some bacon in the mix. 

Um, what the eff google?


Lesson unlearned!

Damn you bacon, you win again!

And now to the drunks...

Over the years, we have come to call Sundays, Psycho Sunday, at the bar I run, as the craziest people show up and try to get served a drink.  Psycho Sunday never fails to make me say, "what the fuck?"  

We aren't exactly in one of the nicer neighborhoods in Salem, we are much closer to the barrio and the homeless shelter; in fact, they can see our neon's from across the plaza, beckoning them to come closer.... so who can blame them for trying, really...

The homeless guy that came in and tried to get a drink, was nothing out of the ordinary, so I won't bore you with the details...

And then this guy walked in:

Actual guy much fatter, much drunker and #1 DAD, not greatest damn it; #1!

Wow!  I always wanted to meet the World’s #1 Dad!!  What an honor!
This guy couldn’t even form a sentence let alone the words Bacardi & Coke. Needless to say we asked him to leave and then he asked for a coke. Then his crazed buddy came in wearing all orange and said he was there to give him a ride and could he have a drink.  Um.... NO!!  Then there was a slew of insults from the guy in orange and incoherent mumbling from #1 Dad until my friend Liz yelled at them convinced them to be on there merry way back to their trailer somewhere in Hell!

Mother nature is calling me.

Splendid then...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Magic socks & complete idiots!!

I'm dealing with a ton of stress right now, and by dealing I mean I'm mostly having anxiety attacks and freaking out. So, for now I am trying to keep my blog light and humorous, as I need to remain positive and trick myself into being happy. I will eventually delve into the deeper aspects of my life. It will still be funny, but mostly only to me...

These make me happy! My friend gave me a pair and I may grow them tonight. Stay tuned!
So yesterday I called our merchant service people for the bar, as they provide us supplies for our credit card processing machine and I need supplies. Simple right?

The guy I spoke with was to put it mildly; a complete idiot. I am questioning if it was his first day on earth or if perhaps he was missing part of his brain; in which case I would cut him some slack...

I imagine hope this is what happened after my phone call

So, it took me about a half and hour to explain to Einstein that I need a case of 2-ply paper rolls for the printer and a box of ribbon ink, also for the printer. This was quite possibly the most painful half hour of my life...

Today, (I wish I had taken a picture of this), I received three boxes of pens & a case of thermal paper. Wrong & wrong!

I don't know why I thought I would receive the actual items that I ordered after my conversation with this guy, as it was blatantly clear that he didn't understand anything that I was saying.

We do kind of need pens.... but we REALLY need fucking printer rolls and ink!!! 


I'm off to soak in some bubbles and mentally prepare for tomorrow.

Splendid then...

P.S. The Black Eyed Peas are DEAD TO ME! I will get into that later this week.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Stylish Blogger Award!

I would like to give a huge shout out to
for this award.  I am new to the blog world and this made me feel special on a day that I needed something to cheer me up.  Thank you!
This award comes with some rules and I will try my best to adhere to them: 
Rule 1:  I am to acknowledge the blogger who gave me this award, and duly thank them, and list/link their blog and URL.  Done and done.
Rule 2:  I am to list seven things you may not know about me. This could be difficult, although really what do you know about me? Not much, as I just started blogging over the past weekend!

                          Seven Things You May Not Know About Me   

1.  I wanted to be a psychologist since I was eight years old, (thanks to the Bob Newhart show), but then I found out that you had to spend at least eight years in school and well, I am lazy, what can I say?  But I do have excellent listening skills and people do talk to me about their problems; I'm just not getting paid, feel free to call me Dr. Salmon ;-)

2.  I love movies!  I could watch movies all day every day for the rest of my life.  I love old Hepburn, Grant, Tracy movies very much.  I am also a sucker for the cheesy goodness of ate e's movies. Anything by John Hughes I can watch over and over again.  Why can't I get paid to watch movies?

3.  I have lost too many friends as a result of alcohol and drugs.  It is devastating to think about.  I used to drink more and do drugs every time I found out I lost another friend.  Three years ago, I lost two friends within two weeks of each other and I drank an ungodly amount of whiskey in those two weeks and did some other terrible things and I decided I had enough and quit all of it on August 30, 2008. 

4.  I love my friends like they are my family.  Friends are the family that you choose, and I have some really awesome ones.

5.  I have been running a restaurant/bar with my husband for the past eight years. It was a lot of fun in the beginning and don't get me wrong, it still has it's moments, but, the stress is outweighing the fun by a billion pounds right now. You will find out more about the past eight years as I keep reading and you keep writing... you should reverse that statement and it will make more sense!

6.  If it weren't for my sense of humor I would be in the "grin bin" or worse, by now.

7.  I am really quite shy.  Social situations give me anxiety (hence why I used to drink tons) and I go through horrible bouts of depression.

The third rule of accepting this stylish award is to share it with other bloggers who are starting out.  Fifteen, to be exact. I don't know if I know fifteen, I will try:

Ummm,  I'm so new to this that I am having a hard time finding new bloggers to share this with!! Any suggestions would be awesome! I will edit this blog when figure it out and share this award!!

Splendid then...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

My cats breath smells like cat food...

Cat food and ass, mostly ass.  It's horrible really and sometimes I think "Hey, I could just brush his teeth" and then I picture the biting and scratching that would ensue and I think about squirrels instead.

Not my cat - Me trying to be a cat =FAIL!

My cat Nipsy a.k.a. Nipsyrussell, Sir Licks A Lot, Nipsyopolous and Jerkface 
So, Sir Licks A Lot has become more needy and demanding, and dare I say "loving" in his old age.  He has in fact, become my own personal pillow pet; you know "It's a pillow! It's a pet!", he has taken to sleeping on top of my head on my pillow night after night.  (He just sneezed in my eye as I am typing this).  We are very close now and it's awesome, making me itchy.

I'm trying not to think about the crappy rain/sleet happening outside my window right this very minute.  I'm also trying to not think about all the stress and insanity that is happening in my life.  I have a reoccurring nightmare (when I'm not battling insomnia), where there is this horrific car crash and a guy is running next to the car and he gets hit and his head and face get all shredded up by the broken glass on the window, and then another guy gets run over by the car and I watch as the tire goes over his head and makes a "popping" sound and there is a huge hole and tire tread on the back/top of his head and blood is pouring out everywhere and the guy actually gets up.

That's usually when I wake up... that was my dream this morning, and I had it earlier this week too; and no, I haven't been watching horror movies.  Those don't scare me anyway. It's all STRESS and bad commercials for things like Pajama Jeans, Pillow Pets and Tyson Chicken Nuggets....  
Splendid then...


Friday, February 4, 2011

I'm like a crotchety old man these days...

crotchety old man

Except that I'm a 41, (OK almost 42), year old woman with horrendous disc problems and no uterus.  But enough about me.  This is my first blog so I am not going to get too deep here, just want to get my feet wet and test out these bloggy waters. 

I live in the northeast and we are having the most brutal winter in history; I can't remember a worse one.  Yeah there was the Blizzard of '78, but I was a kid, so the word brutal was replaced with the word AWESOME!  Anyway, I was talking with a friend about how I can't take it anymore and I would be so much happier if I could just afford to have a lobotomy - nothing would ever bother me again - I could sit around smiling and drooling and life would be grand!

Alas, I can only afford to write a blog and try and release some of the crazy from my brain that over thinks everything and is only amused now by hearing about how we are getting another 6-10 inches of snow, on top of the 5 feet we already have!  Ha ha ha ha ha.... insanity can be fun, sometimes, mostly never though....

I used to say that living in New England during the winter built character; well, I am chock full of character and am ready to move someplace warm and tropical. I can dream can't I?
Splendid then...