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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Yay for honest people!

Photo of my hungry blog
I've been neglecting my blog responsibilities lately. This is why I don't have children or a dog. If I had to feed and water this blog, it would certainly have died a month ago.

 

I gained so much my scale is frightened!
I recently had a physical and my doctor asked me yet again, how much I drink and smoke! I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that every time I have an appointment with him, he is going to ask me these questions. At least this time he was excited that I quit smoking, and he complimented me on my red hair. He also didn't get on me too much about how much weight I have gained since I quit smoking.


I have also been going to Physical Therapy for my bad back.  As you know from my earlier blog, I bought a gopher...,  , Which, by the way, I realized the night that I purchased my gopher that I need a gopher for my gopher! I dropped the damn thing!  This weeks homework, in addition to not bending over, (which is incredibly difficult; you don't realize how much you do it 'til you're told you can't), I was told to practice standing and sitting properly, (yes, I was doing it all wrong), and walking an hour everyday. I may have to walk at the mall or something as this winter just won't leave! Get the message already Old Man, it's Springtime according to my calendar! Stupid New England winter!
Typical July weather here in New England!
Time for an intervention!
 I started the walking thing today and I walked to work, which took 10 minutes tops. 50 more minutes to go...I did a few things at work and decided finish up those lingering 50 minutes and test out this training program app that I have on my crack berry. I promptly retardedly clipped my phone onto my front left jeans pocket (I never use the clip), and set off on my walk around town. 

Fucking Salem!
I must have crossed the streets about four times and was heading up a slight incline to walk around the Salem Commons, (where hippies play frisbee, yuppies walk dogs, and Wiccans have strange rituals), and I went to look and see how much progress I had made when low and behold my phone was no longer clipped to my jeans pocket!


I calmly frantically checked all of my pockets while I slowly ripped my headphones off my head and back tracked cautiously hysterically my entire route praying cursing out loud the entire way. I made it back to the bar and called my phone fully expecting it to go to voice mail. A man answered! Finally a bit of luck! I told him where I was and he drove there in less than two minutes!


He said he saved it from being run over! I could tell it had taken a small hit and was grateful for his honesty and thankful that my phone still worked perfectly. 


Sorry to anyone that's paying attention to my blogs, as I was supposed to write about the joys of shopping at Market Basket. My good fortune stupidity has pushed it back until next time. I promise it will be entertaining!


Splendid then...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I bought a gopher...


I'm only halfway through Club Dead
I took a week off from my life and the blog world. Nothing much happened last week, other than I was in a foul mood and overly tired. You don't need to hear about that crap. I mostly laid around and read True Blood books. I am an avid watcher of the show and now I'm a rabid reader of the novels. 

I like to claim that I'm "I never learned how to read" as I grew up with those Reading is Fundamental commercials and it always struck me kind of funny. Reading does give me a headache as I totally need glasses; it's on my to do list of ailing body parts that I need to try and have fixed. Oh the joys of being in your forties.

This week we started on my back. I had my first Physical Therapy session since 2003. I have disc problems, L4/5 are bulging and cause me intense pain. Sometimes I am unable to get dressed without screaming in agony. So much fun for everyone! So the therapist was nice enough and we did a bunch of little tests and then he "manipulated" me and took all my money, and my back felt surprisingly better. Although as I am writing this 4 hours later, I am back to having significant pain. But that's OK, because. I. Bought. A. GOPHER! 


Carl, I want you to kill all the gophers on the course.
Correct me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
 

Look, it's Billy Mays approved!
I jokingly mentioned to the therapist that I had been eying the gopher at the Walgreen's and he suggested that I buy the thing. He told me not to bend over at all the next few weeks and to get dressed sitting or laying down. Way to make me feel young doc!


So I spent $9.99 and immediately starting testing out the thing at the bar. It has suction cups on the grabber part and they don't quite "suction" to anything. If you lift something heavy, like say a can of beans, or a pint glass, it feels like it's going to break apart or drop said item. I was excited that Billy Mays approved it, but we all know that Billy loved him some cocaine, so these products are as sketchy as he was.


It's tough to be 42



I guess it's a good investment as I wasn't quite ready for this:








Lord knows if I keep bending over to pick stuff up, or simply trying to put on my shoes.  I will be laying on the ground crying that I can't get up!



Next up I will tell you a story about Market Basket and some fabulous items I have found there. Until then.



Splendid then...

Monday, March 14, 2011

My immune system has gone missing; maybe it's with my mind...

I was stricken with the plague, as you know from my last tale; My cough drops tell me what to do, I have been sick and it became worse! My flu turned into a horrible stomach flu, and I willed most of it to come out of my ass.  
This looks about right!


Of course the first two rounds were a wonderful combo where I had to sit on the toilet and puke in a bucket, (and all over myself), simultaneously. I hate puking. I'm not a big fan of liquid poop either, but given a choice, the lower option is far less traumatic.  It was hell on earth I tell you, and hell is much colder and smellier than I had imagined it to be.

It took several more days for me to feel human again, and I am still having small bouts of nausea with certain foods and smells. 

I'm the one on the right
So speed up to Saturday... I was supposed to work at the bar that night, but the hub and I were having quite an ugly exchange of words and I decided I was far too pissed off to help him out that evening.

I called my good friend and cried for a bit and she asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. I'm horrible with decision making to begin with, but worse so when I'm upset. I hadn't had a good solid meal since the flu and was seriously craving some rare roast beef for the last couple of days. I initially said no, and then I said "well I probably should leave the house, it has been a long time. She and her boyfriend picked me up and we were off to Texas Roadhouse.

Mind you, I have never been to Texas Roadhouse so I had no idea what to expect other than lots of meat! I knew Swayze wouldn't be there nor would Jeff Healy, so my expectations were low.

It was PACKED! 45 minute wait. The staff all looked to be about 15 years old and they all had employee shirts on that said "I love my job" on the back. I was thinking about using that on my bars shirts, as a cruel joke. I don't think many in the restaurant industry can say straight faced that they love their job. 


We ate some peanuts an entire barrel full of peanuts, while waiting for a table.


Me, in a heavenly state
As soon as we were seated I made the dining faux pas of eating as much bread as humanly possible. I could hear Marge Simpsons voice in my head saying "Homey don't fill up on bread" but I couldn't stop! I wish they had barrels full of bread instead of peanuts!


Fast forward to being completely satisfied and over stuffed with bread and potato while driving through Danvers Square.

Looking out my passenger window I notice that the Kentucky Fried Chicken sign is completely lit up and it now says Kentucky Fried Chi. 

My chi is southern deep fried... funny I always assumed it was dark chocolate.

Splendid then...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

My cough drops tell me what to do...

I haven't felt like writing in a while. It's not due to laziness. I have been sick since Wednesday. I have been asleep most of the time, so not a lot of options to write when your eyes are closed. Anyway, yesterday I still felt horrible and was certain that I had strep throat, so I called a good friend, (good friends or family are the only ones that will help out in these instances), and asked if she would mind taking me to the ER after she got out of work.

What a way to spend a Saturday night! I am so exciting and on the cutting edge!

So we went to Beverly Hospital, as they have all my information. I wouldn't go to Salem unless I were unconscious and even then I would find a way to get out of there swiftly. I haven't given up on this life yet, so I chose to live and be treated in Beverly. 


Wow, they have really changed the waiting room! I remember when it looked very similar to a bus station; and now, it's nicer than my living room. I mean, they could use some comfy couches and a recliner or two, but damn, great job!


So I get in right away, or so I think (they now treat you in phases, so you can't leave), and I talk to the male nurse and tell him my throat is really sore and feels swollen and my sinuses are going to explode. He looks at my throat with the little flashlight and says;

"Oh yeah, your uvula is huge!" "No wonder you're having a hard time swallowing"

* blink 

Mine's bigger!
Then he swabbed my giant uvula and I was sent back to the waiting room for eternity.


This is where I noticed that my cough drops are telling me what to do. I had ingested an entire bag this week, (I often eat these instead of food, delicious and nutritious),  and didn't pay attention to the wrappers, but when you're in the ER waiting room, you read everything. 


I looked at my friend and said;


"My cough drops are telling me what to do." 


She was all "what?"


"Look, it's telling me to keep my chin up and I've got it in me, and to high-five myself", which I did and looked and felt ridiculous in doing so.

The fuck! "A pep talk in every drop" 


Seriously! 

When the hell did Halls get all positive and in my face! My throats sore and maybe I'm hungry, don't tell me what to do!


I was finally called into another room to see the doctor and get my results. My doctor was Dr. Katz and he wasn't a shaky cartoon. (Disappointed) 
He was nice and told me I did not have strep, it's viral and he gave me stuff to make my giant uvula less giant. He also gave me an antibiotic as it was looking like I would end up with a sinus infection.

So, yeah I'm going to "go elicit a few wows today" because "tough is my middle name" and it's "nothing I can't handle"


Fuck you cough drops, I'm going to watch tv, as it isn't going to watch itself.


Splendid then...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I have a plan...it might involve poop

Since I last left you, (Apparently I ate everything this winter),
I had discovered that none of my jeans fit and my favorite jeans that I hadn't washed in a while many weeks, finally took a trip in the spin-go-round, (why can't I just say washing machine?), and they fit perfectly were extremely uncomfortable to SQUEEZE my newly GIGANTIC self into. 

Um, Google gave me this for run on sentence?

Wow, that was one LONG ASS sentence!  


So, since that tragic day, I have revised my diet plan stopped eating fistfuls of cheetos, pies, snicker bars, kit-kats (mmm...so good), meatloaf with bacon, wrapped in bacon, bacon, (that's gonna hurt), chips, cookies, popcorn, pop tarts, brownies & cake.  Whew, I think that covers the NO list!  What I have been eating this week is rice, chickpeas, fresh vegetables & fruit, fresh vegetable juice; oh, and the occasional bowl of cereal or oatmeal. So, I'm getting A LOT of fiber. I was eating a ton of vegetables and healthy fiber filled cereals while I was eating all the garbage so I don't know what I was thinking yesterday when I ate a Fiber One bar.  I didn't understand what this tasty treat was all about, until right about the time I arrived at my best friends house to get my hair done.
I wish it was a flower

My belly started distending immediately upon my arrival, which made my already tight jeans extremely tight and painful. We were on a time limit so I couldn't use her bathroom; plus I would be way too embarrassed, but clearly not embarrassed enough to share this with all of you;  I'm not sane, in case you forgot or haven't seen my in a while.  I could feel my stomach growing and between the stabbing pains from fiber and the jeans becoming tighter and tighter, and the back spasms from my crappy bad back, I was feeling awesome suicidal.


Six hours later, I looked absolutely fabulous! I felt like I was going to have a massive explosion and the button on my jeans was about to pop! Let's just say it was good feeling to go home and bond with my bathroom.


This is fairly accurate
So, I learned a few lessons yesterday: 


1) I don't need any addition fiber in my diet EVER!
2) I look great in red! 


I like that my hair now reflects my fiery spirit and rage filled heart!


Splendid then...



OK, here's what it looks like...