August is a bitch...

I have been so patient...

Maybe the little guy is rabid...

Since April I have had NO INCOME, NO UNEMPLOYMENT, NO steady stream of MONEY. Surgery is stressful enough, add in worrying about existing and it really messes with your mind, your body, your very core. I could be far worse off right now. I am fortunate to have surrounded myself with some amazing, generous souls, without their help I would have been screwed completely. 


Recovering from double partial knee replacement has been, as one can imagine, slow and painful. I have deemed this summer to be the summer of the snail. Baby steps, slow progression. 

Slow is the new fast...

I have been battling with the good old D.U.A. and I have recently suffered through one hearing with myself and an agent and now I get to suffer through one more with Stop and Shop. I'm certainly not trying to cheat the system. I paid into this very broken mess and now that I NEED help, I have met with nothing but bureaucratic insanity and absolute frustration. 

I'm on my last leg, I have NO CHOICE but to win this appeal. I can no longer afford my apartment and have to move, with no money I have few options, and with a cat, fewer. Even if I had money, I would be moving out of here; after 19 years it's definitely time. I have looked into roommates/sharing ads on good old Craigslist, (just to see what's out there), and wow! It is more expensive than getting an apartment with someone.The only interesting deals on there apply to gay men. I have been looking for a job and sending resumes/filling out apps. Not a single bite... 

If I had a solid answer on any aspect of my life right now, I could breathe a bit easier...Will I have money and back pay? Where will I live? Will I find a decent job? Will my phone be shut off before I get any money? These questions and more, may or may not be answered anytime soon.

I haven't been sleeping well, it takes hours to get to sleep and then I wake up repeatedly until I give up and start the day again. It's like groundhog day over here, everyday is EXACTLY the same. I'm ready for change, (and I think it's all coming at once), I'm not good with it, but I'm ready. I have not struggled for nothing, I will be rewarded...

August is a bitch... It has been a struggle of a month for me for the last five years... I have come so far.

 

Rest in peace

  Dave "Roz"umek 8/12/08

Jocelyn Callahan 8/25/08

The coolest cat I had the pleasure to 

love Nipsy" sir licks a lot" Russell 8/25/12

 

 

 

Stay buried whiskey and every bad choice that came with you 8/30/08

The Nazis are at it again...

It's always pleasant to be disturbed by a loud banging noise coming from your back door at 11am. I work the night shift and thankfully I was off last night or this would have woken me up and I would be even more pissed off than I already am. 

Okay, they weren't wearing a mask, but it felt the same

I opened my back door to see a Sheriff and two men fucking with the door knob breaking into my back hallway. When I asked what they wanted the Sheriff told me to open the door. So I walked back into my apartment, as I didn't want my cat to get out, and looked for my keys. Mr. Impatient Sheriff, started barking at me to open the door, and I started yelling at him that I was looking for my keys and to hold on. He then spoke to me in a very condescending tone, like I'm a fucking five year old, and told me not to yell. This immediately set me off into defensive mode, thanks JACK ASS. I tell them, that they aren't supposed to be here as we just paid the gas company $280 and we have a payment agreement. To which they replied, "that may be so, but we have a warrant to shut you off and that's what we are going to do." 


That's what they did. So had to have the hub call, as I am not listed on the account and after talking to 5 different people, we are getting turned on again today. This all could have been avoided had they lived up to their end of the agreement. Honestly, I don't have enough things in my life to be upset and stressed out about, I needed to start my day with more bullshit.

Lots and lots of money...

I work way too hard for shit like this to happen, but because I owned a bar and made zero money, I fell behind with everything. Just because I'm working hard doesn't mean that I am making money. I am barely making enough to scrape by. Everything is going up, food, gas, utilities. It's a daily battle to survive and for what? The American Dream?? That no longer exists in this day and age. I took a job, that I am way overqualified for, just so I could make any money at all. Now that I am looking for work that I am qualified for, there is nothing there for me. Anything that I find is part-time, and pays what I make now or less. 




Did I mention I have been playing the lottery?





Splendid then...

 

It's hard to say goodbye...

He's trying really hard to get them bricks inside!

I have been meaning to blog for a while now; October has been very busy for me and I've been so tired that I feel as if I have bricks in my head.

Oops, I think I dropped something

Working graveyard shift has been a huge adjustment. Most of the time I wander around in a state of complete nothingness. I have all these notes in my phone for future blogs to entertain you all. I should have some more time this winter, (*shudders), to write all about the them.


Today, I am sharing something more personal.


The bar that I have put the last nine years of my life into, is going to close shortly after Halloween. I want to thank everyone that has supported us over the years. It's never been an easy gig, we had no expectation that it would be. I have a lot of good memories, for the most part it was a lot of fun. 

This place has been a part of my life for almost twenty years now. I have made so many amazing friendships. I've lost some amazing friends as well... and will always remember them. 

I'm not so great at ending things. I tend to hang on too long. I know this ending is necessary; many of you will never understand how much of ourselves we put into this. We have thought about this for a while and as much as it pained us to think about closing, it was worse to think about continuing on the way we have been.


Part of me is relieved that I won't be so stressed out anymore. A bigger part of me is in mourning. I know everyone says that every ending is a new beginning and beginnings are definitely more my thing. The possibilities are endless.


Someday I will look back on this time in a fond way. For now I'm struggling to keep it together...



Splendid then...



Tool always helps to put things in prospective...
http://youtu.be/uCEeAn6_QJo I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus sideshow of FREAKS 

Distractions

I see an apple, what's the big deal?

Today I am in what you would all call "denial".  It's far more pleasant then what I call "reality", which most of you still get to escape in some way and I am in it 24/7. So I need a little break and I am going to distract myself with pleasant thoughts and fantasies.

My feelings for FB haven't changed

The fascists over at Spacebook banned my blog completely after my post last week. I am now considered abusive which both amuses me and pisses me off greatly. I have tried to rectify the situation, but it seems pretty futile to me. How many times can I fill out the same form and get zero response? I'm in for three times, I might do it once more today, so to answer my own question, it's four or maybe three, if I distract myself successfully! You should all look for me over on Google+, where my blog is not banned.



I could go on ranting but that isn't very funny and isn't that what FB is for anyway? So I won't get into the a**holes at Mass Health today and I will instead talk about how ridiculous Lynn Shore Drive is at any given time.


I walk there at least once a week with a friend. I will now only refer to it as The United Nations, (thanks Lynne) and if you have ever been there then you totally get that. 

I will explain: It's one of the most culturally diverse places; you've got Russians, Vietnamese/Cambodian, Indian, Hispanic, Black, White Trash. 

And then you've also got Mounted Police, Dogs, Bikes, Skates, Runners, Walkers, Skateboarders, Children Screaming Children, Prostitutes, Homeless, NA/AA people, future NA/AA people, poop and things that look like poop. I'm sure I am missing a category or two, and an ethnicity.

DSKE KEEWWING!

You don't want this water touching you

So we walk from the Swampscott side to Lynn, until the smell becomes unbearable and we turn around and go back toward a slightly less smelly existence. 
 
Apparently the smell is from some algae that they can't get rid of; but I think it's a combo of that and the always bacteria ridden waters. You always see kids, dogs and overweight people  obliviously swimming their silly non-English reading hearts out. I always think to myself "I hope they don't have any cuts or open wounds, or a weakened immune system", and then I laugh out loud.



My favorite people on Lynn Shore Drive are the Corpsey kids; they are usually the bored over-privileged youth from Swampscott that are eerily pale and seemingly have no feelings other than gloomy. 

Her parents are rich, yet she is increasingly miserable & bored

We have also been critiquing the runners, and haven't seen a Gazelle on the shore yet. So far, we have seen the Gay Handed Runner & Robot Runner and I love them both equally! I promise I will start taking pictures.


My friend and I are pretty certain that everyone there believes that we are a Lesbian couple, so we fit right in. 


I'm off for a walk, sadly just around town and not to The United Nations. 


Splendid then...

Anxiety

I am an idiot having fun about to hyperventilate into a paper bag

Things have been super craptastic for awhile and I; have of course been stressed out of what's left of my mind, (not much left up there).  When I get extremely stressed out; I mentally check out. Sometimes writing helps me feel better and sometimes I am completely incapable of writing or thinking or functioning. I do apologize for my lack of blog lately. I have been gathering fun things to write about, but not feeling fun enough to share with you all.

This is pretty accurate

Today I am having a  
MASSIVE ANXIETY ATTACK and I am trying to trick my brain into being calm by writing these words. I drank extra coffee today; by extra I mean 4 shots of espresso after 4pm. I have cut my caffeine intake to a cup around noon and no shots - today I had a brilliant idea brain lapse and now I feel like curling up into the fetal position and throwing up.

 



 

I doubt I would be in the fetal position crying if I could do this. 
Oh Google, your image search never ceases to amuse me

I went for a walk, and now my left arm & hand are numb and I'm still very nauseous, nervous & dizzy. This is going to be a seriously fun night. What do people do in situations like this? What do you take to calm yourself down... I'm doing a lot of deep breathing and that's really just making me more lightheaded than calm. 


Last ditch effort is going to be some food as I haven't had any in hours...

I am almost this insane...

 
So yeah, that's how I spent Thursday night. Food did help, but only slightly. I did spend most of the weekend like the monkey in the fetal position. All this stress is taking it's toll on me, so if you hear or see me laughing it's not because I'm happy; it's from sheer insanity. This may be the week that I drive-thru the tavern in the square...

 
I will share all my other insanely funny stories soon... I just need to get over this hurdle and then I can be amused with my ridiculous life.


Splendid then...

My body is rejecting me

My cat would NEVER allow this!!

I'm not sure that I should be writing at all today as I am in one foul mood, (not to be confused with a fowl mood; I'm pretty sick of eating dead bird, but I continue to do so night after night).

I haven't blogged since my IBS diagnosis; if you missed it click here I know how I'm going to die

reason being is that I have been miserable, stressed out, and I came down with the  




DREADED SUMMER FLU.

Uh. That's not how I was infected!

I had aches, pains, fever and a horrible dry, hacking, cough. The coughing fits were what finally drove me to make an appointment with my doctor. 

I. Coughed. Up. Blood. 

I don't know what this guy is doing but I don't think he's coughing!

For the first time in my life, (I was a smoker for 27 years, never a drop of blood did I hack up), at least that I was fully aware of.


Of course, I was completely cured by Friday things took a turn for the worse right at the start of the long holiday weekend. So I had to hold out til Tuesday; or until I coughed up more blood or my fever went higher - whichever came first really. 

Tuesday came first and I did not have pneumonia or lung cancer, (although they really didn't test for that, I will have to talk to him about that), I had a bronchial infection. 

I shudder to think what she did to get the tampon to come out of her nose

I have been on antibiotics for the last four days and last night more blood made an appearance; this time it was coming from my nose! I'm no stranger to the bloody nose, but still I always feel like everyone is thinking "she must be doing a lot of cocaine"

 

Now we know what was under that bandanna!

Every time I get a bloody nose, (it's not often, I SWEAR!), my thought process ends up in the same place i did cocaine it must be a brain hemorrhage! I'm not a hypochondriac, but I do panic when I bleed my own blood!

 

Between the IBS, the bronchitis, and bleeding my own blood from stupid places my stress level is reaching epic heights. I'm almost ready to make someone else bleed.

Splendid then...

I know how I'm going to die...

Since I have given up all my "stress relievers"; most recent one being cigarettes, (year on July 9), I have been handling stress with a gracefulness and ease my bowels. 

What's that you say?

I no longer have the proper "tools" to handle all the stress that is being hurled at me from many directions, just writing this is stressing me out. Once I gave up the last of my habits, (I still want to smoke BTW), I have been slowly and surely making myself sick; which is pretty funny considering I have been working so hard on improving my health and body with eating well and exercise and quitting all those damned fun bad habits, that may or may not have killed me,

We'll never know now will we?!

Ah yup

What I do know is that I'm in a giant shit storm, (literally and figuratively speaking), and all of it is about to hit that fan. No, not that one, the one to your left!







What all of this boils down to is that because I haven't a clue how to deal with my stress in a healthy fashion, I have hurt my body and now have IBS, (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), which is painful and STUPID.

Click here to find out all the fun facts re: IBS

I think it just surpassed furious, help me!

The worst part about it is I had to give up my life blood, my daily habit, one of my few reasons left to live:  

I HAD TO GIVE UP MY COFFEE!  

Those of you that know me well, know I'm almost suicidal over this; it's almost as bad as having to give up my chocolate, (I will jump in front of an 18 wheeler), let's not even go there, I'm scared.

This alone, stresses me out more. I don't have many pleasures in my simple life. The ones that I do have, I treasure and enjoy thoroughly. These last few days without coffee have left me as irritable as my bowel. 

I don't know how or when I will come up with a good solution for dealing with all the BS. I do know that I am incapable of meditating; I just don't have it in me to sit there in quiet and calm and "zone out". It feels like a ridiculous waste of time for me. If it works for any of you that's fantastic, I'm just not a meditater. For me meditation time equals sleep and I have to take a pill to achieve that state of unconsciousness.

Ummmm, you are an idiot

 


So don't be deceived my calm, cool and collected appearance, for inside I'm bubbling over with INSANITY.

Splendid then...
 

I'm having a bit off a blockage...No, no, not that kind!

Everyday I stare at my computer screen and try to come up with something fabulous to tell you all about. Problem is, nothing much has been happening in my life lately. I'm fine with that as my stress level needs a break now and then.

Another successful day at the restaurant!

I'm sure this is just a calm moment before the tides turn again, but so far we are managing to stay afloat.

My life of excitement and partying came to a much needed end three years ago. Now I like to do things like grocery shop. late night drug store shopping, playing scrabble (on computer and in real life), and I have added walking to the list my physical therapist is making me walk an hour everyday.

Every word is a winner!

It's sort of a theme happening here...

See, I told you so!

 My favorite grocery store The cheapest grocery store is Market Basket - Their motto is: Market Basket, where you get mowah fowah yowah dollah! I feel accomplished after a trip to the Basket.


When I shop here I need to mentally prepare or else I will end up in the fetal position crying. 

Another successful trip to Market Basket!

The parking lot alone, is a battlefield. It doesn't matter what day or what time of day you go to this store; as it's ALWAYS busy. I used to wear my i pod when shopping here until I went late on a Sunday and as I was blissfully shopping, I was disrupted by an employee informing me that they were past closing time. The only time it's peaceful at Market Basket is when they are closed!

Yoda ~ Shopper of bargains is he...

I would advise one to go to the bathroom before shopping here, (in addition to mentally preparing), as the odor near the bathrooms smells like catfood, vomit, raw meat & SHAME! The clearance stuff is right next to the bathrooms and I've almost added to the smell of vomit on more than one occasion. On one of my more recent trips here, I discovered that they are making their own brand of potato chips and I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I saw them. 


CHIPS FOR DIPS

Finally! A chip for the common idiot! Such a bargain!

 
I'm certain that stupid people everywhere are enjoying these preservative-free, crispy, delights and have no idea that Market Basket is insulting them. I wonder if I'm the only person that has noticed this treasure!


The secret is out. Market basket thinks we are all idiots! They may be right!





Splendid then...

Meltation has occurred...or not

It ties the room together

So, humor has taken a vacation this week, (how come I wasn't invited?), and left me all alone with stress and a headache. Nausea pops in here and there just to tie it all together; kind of like the rug in the Big Lebowski.


I am presently sitting by the ocean at a place called The Willows; sitting in my truck, reflecting (hysterically crying). We are having a warm spell here and the dirty ice mountains are starting to melt. I wish my stress level would melt away as well...


Everyone has spring fever, yet I remain my cynical self. I have lived in New England long enough to know that this is a TRAP. It has been such a brutal winter, there is now way we are getting off this easily. (That's what she said)

The restaurant business has swallowed my soul...

Evil Dead - one of my favorite movies

Splendid then...

Squirrels make me happy...

I'm still incredibly distracted; meaning I am not able to concentrate on writing or work for that matter...

Ooh look! A squirrel!!

The level of stress that I am under has really taken it's toll on my brain; I often feel as if it's not there at all and that sometimes worries me.  At least part of me gets to take a vacation!

D'oh!

On the plus side, I have been sleeping and feeling less depressed.  I decided to go back on my trazodone without my doctors knowledge.  I didn't feel like playing guinea pig all winter to new drugs that may or may not work.  I will make an appointment in the spring.  I mean, the last time I saw my primary care doctor it was as if he had just met me, and I have been going to him quite regularly for well over a year.  I was frustrated that he asked me my entire fucking history again, (shouldn't he have all this on his magical laptop?), and when I told him I finally quit smoking, instead of congratulating me or giving me a high-five, he told me I need to lose some weight! 

WTF Doc!

He was on my ass forever about quitting smoking and I finally did - been smoke free for seven months now and all he could say was lose weight!  So yeah, I haven't been in a huge hurry to go see him this winter.  When I felt myself slipping down into that abyss, I recognized it and took action to prevent the downward spiral that I am terrified of heading into again.

So, this is all you get from me today.  I don't have anything humorous to give you as I'm just not feeling it this week.

Splendid then...

I told myself that I would write every day...

I can't concentrate and nail down any thoughts this weekend. The stress level is HIGH and so is the anxiety. I promise I will have something solid for Monday. It might not be my usual humor, but I will try my best to write about one of the many insane happenings in my life.

Until then, feel free to check out some of the blogs that I thoroughly enjoy reading. 

Hugs...

Splendid then...